Six Ways to finish the Guinness Premiership at Sixways
Well here we fecking go now, lads. It’s the end of season 08/09, and all the friggin' lip twitching emotions that go with all last days and plays of any Guinness premiership campaign will be found.The weather is always that bit better, and the beers seem to taste of the nectar of the Gods, as another pint of the fecking black stuff rumbles its way towards constipating the be-Jesus out of you. Oh, and in some fecking places they like to make the pint pots freakin' two pinters, to really feck with your head and bowels some more!
Ah, to feck with all this shoite about weather and Gods and bollocks. There is a game of fecking rugby to be had all over the country on Saturday which can and will determine the destination of the big shiny ting that is the premiership title. The friggin' Cheetahs are confirmed for a home semi, but by feck there is a heap of shoite happening underneath them in the table.
For London Irish, the last day nerves will have to travel to Cecil’s place to take on the might of the South Droitwich. The season has to be put on the freakin' line and let battle commence to keep the dream alive. I close my eyes, draw back the curtain, any friggin' dream will do by feck, such as Worcester doing the double over their local rivals!
On paper, there is no fecking competition here as the league’s lowest try scorers with the alien-headed badge take on the premiership’s finest attacking unit in the form of the Not-Nots. 28 tries versus 59 is the gulf that the so called ‘paper’ spews out like a dirty unwashed student at a Wetherspoons happy hour.
Then look at the fecking defences and see further evidence that there should be huge disparity between the sides, with the tries conceded volume for Worcester more gimp than Warrior. They have allowed their defensive line to be breached on 59 occasions this season, whilst Irish have failed on a mere 34 attempts to repel the attacking side. ‘On paper’, a landslide, but feck that. If games were won on stats and friggin' lies, then we would all be freakin' gamers, and you can feck that world-of-dungeons-and-warcraft-dragons shoite!
Even Worcester’s faithful legions of Warriors will tell you that ‘on paper’ means feck all as far as rugby predictions and demands go. ‘On paper’, the squad assembled under Mike Ruddock, he of Welsh grand slam fame, is up there with any team in this most friggin' competitive league. ‘On paper’, they have the dynamic and speedy back three, perfectly paired half backs, mobile and combative back row and as for the fecking fat lads; ugly and hard as the hardest object ever to be created in the Kingdom of Nails! The paper would best be served holding fish and a large portion of chips, for what it actually fecking means to the end game! But what is the reason for the position that the home side find themselves in annually?
Actually, squad size and depth has proven to be the undoing of the club and mirrors similar failings by the Exiles down the years. Crucial injuries to crucial players at critical times of this crucial season is not ideal for most fecking clubs, but crucially Wuss have felt the rape of their squad by that fecker ‘Mister Starman’ shagger. By feck it has been crucial.
You take the likes of the friggin' awesome Chris Latham, with nearly eighty Aussie caps to his name, out of your side, and it is like having your sphincter muscle removed just prior to the European Flatulence Championships in Geneva this July. Your chances of any fecking success are like spitting in the wind, so to speak.
If you add the likes of the chunky monkey and excellent prospect Matt Mullan; Auckland All Black centre, Sam Tuitoupu; the fourteen capped and well empowered Chris Horsman (or 'Horse' to his lovers); second row and ‘Most Wanted’ look-alike, Craig Gillies; the hugely influential, Kai Horstmann; and Cape Town born sixteen capped Welsh fella, Hal Luscombe, to this casualty list, and progress in the league will always be friggin' stunted somewhat.
Others are also missing, but you will still find that the people of Worcester don’t just sit around looking for excuses. The majority try and remain calm, collected and focused on any positives that may come about. The others just whinge like bitches!
As the season has progressed towards the business period and relegation chatter amongst those at the wrong fecking end of the ladder heightened, the Worcester Warriors proud Sixways factor kicked the feck in. This excellent and still improving Rugby stadium generates a lot of noise and atmosphere unlike those fecking footie soulless pits, which can become intimidating. This support has helped the side get on the sort of run that the Reading Southsea Islanders has missed to secure a play-off slot.
Wins against their local rivals and feeder club, Gloucester, as well as the impressive destruction of the Sorries has ensured another freakin' year at the top table. Add to these, two latest premiership victories at home with that of an excellent win over Brive in the Challenge Cup, and Irish will know and respect the Sixway venue.
With the fecking excellent result of an away win over Gloucester at Castle Grim, where Ruddock, cousin of Razor, sent out his strongest available side; coupled with a hugely important trip to Bourgoin to come during the Bank Holiday weekend, the selection for Irish will ask A-level standard questions of the management.
Is it fecking worth risking a chance for silverware by exposing his best players to potential injury? I think not, and would fecking fully endorse playing their under 16 team, but ah, I’m just not that much of a friggin' risk taker.
As it's the last game of the season, and in front of their home crowd, I would not be surprised at a strong and determined bunch of fecking Warriors taking the field on Saturday. Tommy Tourettes in the South Stand will be spitting his venomous bile at the visitors, containing no fewer than zero Irish feckers in the squad. They will be more pumped than the ‘Juicy Lucy’ deluxe three-orifice take away toy from Sex-you-up.com after the win against their bitter rivals. They will not need fluffing to get up for this fecker!
Pending a selection that protects their essential players for the Challenge Cup semi-final in France, I have highlighted what I feel to be key players that can and will hurt any opposition.
The five leading Warriors
There is not a fecking chance in hell that you can do a preview of a match against Wuss without the mere mention of Pat Sanderson. The man is a fecking legend around the game, and has been friggin' unlucky with his mere sixteen caps for England. He is the heartbeat, skipper and inspiration to any side, with a cheeky smile whilst he nicks your fecking wallet. Sanderson has struggled this season with injury, which has restricted his appearances to fourteen league games, but when in, he leads by fecking example.
Now, Irish must have the eyes of a shoitehawk when it comes to the setpiece, because there is that Greg Rawlinson man about. The man is fecking nails, and such a mobile unit for a man so densely populated. By feck, he is South African born but has four caps for the All Blacks, that’s how fecking mental he is. Oh, and the fecker scored a try at ours too, so marked friggin' man, and no mistake!
In the centres lurks the ‘mini-me’ Craig Gillies in the robust form of Dale Rasmussen, the Auckland born Samoan international. Okay, so with a name like Dale, some may be drawn more towards ‘Supermarket Sweep’ than the rugby field, but feck that as he is a seriously good player. He really likes to bang the big tackle in, but not in a homo may.
With nineteen AB caps and physical presence, Rico Gear is seriously dangerous to a level of flick knife to the throat type proportions. This fecker can and will burn more turf than a county Kerry housewife if given time and space to let loose. He has struggled to cross the whitewash this season, after five league tries last term, including one against the Exiles, but he needs to be watched.
On loan, Willie Walker brought from Glaws to replace Hickey of LI, has proven to be a huge fecking hit at his adopted club, with rumours of a more permanent arrangement in the pipeline. The kiwi is a rugged player, but has a good rugby brain that helps him read the game. He can kick for goal when asked, and by feck he did during the beating of his employers, oh, fecking twice! He has scored at the Madstad whilst wearing the cherry and white colours. His name makes me laugh though because I just think ‘Chocolate Factory’ and I mean the kiddies version! Coat is in hand ready for my exit!
With the likes of Matthew Jones and Ryan Powell forming a Welsh half back pairing, Marcel Garvey on the wing, Tom Wood and Netani Talei fecking looking to give the Patman a wee hand, and a front row with Aleki Lutui being hugged on both sides, Wuss will be competitive. Add the fecking 16th Man, and Irish know this is a tough ask. Oh, and we must wait to get another former Gloucester man on the field, mainly for a square go! Chris Fortey could start a fecking punch up in solitary confinement, but oh how he loves it!
Well, after fecking eight months of tough premiership action, the destiny of London Irish will be determined once and for all somewhere very close to Wales, in the West Mercia. The permutations of the final league structure are friggin' endless, boring and certainly attracting those fecking geek like feckwits with their calculators and nasal communication styles.
Feck that, and do the only thing that is right. Win the fecking game, and have some freakin' fella at home in front of Grandstand, or whatever the feck it is called nowadays, relaying the information given by fecking Dickie Davies. For Irish to deliver on this, they must maintain pace and width to their game, to stretch the resources and heavy legs from a side that played on Tuesday. Discipline, not exactly the strongest fecking suit in the Exile plan, must be improved upon. It will be a friggin' battle, but these are the games that must be put to bed if you want play off rugby.
-- Master Scribe