How Mighty the Trip to Quins?
The Guinness Premiership post season play offs may not be a particular fecking favourite of the purest rugby fella, but by feck it has drawn up a couple of smashers this weekend. After the closest league season since the five way share of the Middlesex Intermediate Merit League in 1913, it may well be the right way for it all to be decided.While the one syllable mob from the Wreck heads off to the Crisp Bowl to take on the Heineken Cup Finalists, Tigers, a wee matter of a London Derby will be the main course of the day. Two of the most gifted attacking sides will go head-to-head at a sold-out Stoop with a trip across the A316 to HQ the fecking prize.
The Reading South Pacific Islanders will make the short journey from Sunbury to renew the rivalry with the Jokers, and seek to make their first appearance in the AG Premiership Final. LI's previous outing at this stage was a humbling experience as the Cheetahs issued a right fecking tonking on their way to being undone by Sale.
For Harlequins, this will be their first appearance in this format in seeking the champions of England.
The Quins have been an exceptional force this term, and followed their success and the huge impact on their return to the top table last season, with claiming the final HC spot, ahead of the Not-Nots, in sixth . Dean Richards, the legendary Leicester player and all round miserable fecker, was well happy with that return after a season in the National Leagues. It has served to provide a baseline to launch greatness.
How the feck do you follow such a honeymoon season? Well, play-off semi, with a real chance of snatching the fecker, oh and to lose in a tight game in the HC Quarters against the other Finalists. The loss to Leinster (or ‘Bloodgate’ due to alleged food colouring shenanigans) was one that was as a result of their attacking mentality rather than in spite of. Just fecking kick a goal, lads!
The Quins have claimed their home semi-final by virtue of being second in the league standings, edging Irish on more wins. They amassed fourteen wins throughout the campaign, pretty much by giving it a right fecking lash if space was offered. The friggin' home form is a real fecking issue for Saturday though.
At the Stoop, they have managed to grab nine wins out of the ten games played there. They did actually venture across to Twickenham to play their other home game, grabbing a draw against Leicester over the busy Christmas period.
Their only defeat ... well, it was to the so called Plastics in September. Having been 20-3 up and cruising, things went fecking south quickly before winding up the wrong side of the 27-28 score line. Another premiership team that just failed to keep playing for eighty minutes against the Doc Deaths training regimes at Irish. There is probably more chance of a Mexican being made welcome on the tube than Harlequins repeating this at home in a game of such importance.
Over the course of the league matches, both teams have been giving it friggin’ lally in the try count. LI are the best of breed from the twenty-two games with sixty-four tries, but it is a close run thing. Quins scored sixty tries during the course of the regular season, albeit, with what felt like fifty percent of these being scored whilst humping the feck out of a Wuss side, devoid of any first team regulars or ideas.
Defensively, being a tight-fisted Jock has been the order of the day from both of these sides. Along with Sale, the try line has only felt a rubbing on thirty-six occasions, and are the league’s lowest tight wads.
Quims Watch
The five keys players for Harlequins range from attack to defence, but there are game breakers everywhere. This team tick and for very good reason. The half backs have created a new class war.
Danny Care, a fecker with more chat about than Facebook, is the most complete scrum-half in the premiership. Cheeky, gobby but supremely strong off either hand may sound like the skills of the ideal whore, but these qualities have also allowed the Care bear to play with the odd head or two. He has pace and a will to win that is dangerous in the extreme to all visitors. Lion? Well who the feck knows why he is awaiting decision post O’Leary injury rather than being on the friggin’ plane now.
Inside him will certainly be the legend that is Nick Evans, or NeV, subject to a wee injury sustained during his tactical substitution against Leinster. This is the Roller of the 10 slot in the AG this season, and by feck he ain’t half bad. His sixteen caps for the AB's are just a wee sniff at his abilities given any sort of time to think on. He finally proved himself a tad better than Molly Malone towards the end of the season, so fair play!
The third player watch can only grab three as a friggin’ unit that would scary Freddie Kruger. The entire fecking back row is the single most destructive fecking unit in England at present. Robshaw, Skinner and Easter has the sound of a London law firm, but that’s where it ends. These feckers in full flow would represent the other side of the law for all their pitching, stealing and downright rudeness! All three are huge lovers of banging in their big tackles, but not in a homo way.
Ugo Monye, the Lion in waiting, has had a sensational season for the Quins as well as England. He has seemed to find five yards of pace from some car boot sale, or Sunday market, but has also added a fecking defensive edge that is borderline Clark Kent. His try saving tackle against Scotland would certainly qualify him to wearing his grollies outside his trousers. He also has the unquenchable thirst for the five pointer, weighing in with nine tries this season.
Finally, for me, the player to keep the eye of a shoite-hawk on is the young fella Jordan Turner-Hall. He has formed a Bros like partnership with former Exile, Gonzalo Tiesi, but has proven himself a right friggin’ nugget of a centre. The local London lad has gotten better as the exposure to the elite level has been increased. Crash ball, quick ball, no fecking ball, feck it, he seems to make huge gains in terms of territory what ever the freakin' ball!
Worthy of a mention would have to be the fat feckers. A front row containing a right fecking scrum lover and former Munster lad in Mike Ross, and hug buddies of Samoan International, Tani Fuga, and twice capped Welsh boy, Ceri (and no it's not a fecking girls name) Jones, will not go Belgium in a fight.
Of course, there is plenty of experience - class as well - as the the likes of Brown, Percival and Guest as young up and comers that will be a right fecking pain to pin down. The Quims are flick-knife standard dangerous, and that is a fact.
So, the Hairy’s have a girls division with pace that has burnt more grass then Hendrix, Somme like defence and fat lads with attitude. The balance is there and they are well led by that fecker, Will Skinner, who is very much at it from minute one to eighty. Every team needs a winner like him, and his knowledge of the laws must have been taught at the same school as his boss, Richards!
Where are the areas that London Irish can gain a foothold? Well, to be fair, there are battles to be fecking found and won if the premiership final is grabbed. The Exiles can cause their own damage which has helped post them into the play-offs. Given a fecking millimetre and the counter can cause the breakdown of any defensive alignment.
The back row confrontation will get even the most knackered old gentleman’s pecker twitching. Danaher, Steffon Armitage and the former multi-coloured Hala'Ufia will be eating raw Irish beef all week ready for the battle of the bulge.
Casey and Kennedy will fancy their chances in the set-piece. Elvis and Maps in the centres and a back three containing Delon and Paddy can inflict one of fecking many really sore papercuts with the runs. Oh, and I bet the Dodge is itching for a wee crack at the Care bear!
This is a cracker on paper. 6-3 Quins when Evans returns to drop a goal after replacing a blood stained Gomarsall, anybody?
I truly believe that the winner of this match on Saturday will go on and take the shiny thing at Twickers. Quins are favourites due to the immaculate home record and attacking flair, but London Irish do have a squad of players for the upset. My money is firmly in the back bin!
-- Master Scribe