Travellers this way come
[After a two-week break from premiership action it is now time to put the cup matches on the back burner and resume the most important job in hand. This is the time when the promising performances of the last few weeks must be compounded, this is the time when the lads must stand up and be counted and this is the time when our season must start coming together as we welcome our visitors from Worcester. Unfortunately, Master Scribe has let us down yet again but the Odd Shaped Ball has spared no expense in an effort to extend the most gracious of welcomes to our visitors and so we bring you our special guest previewer from across the water.]Well hello there to all ye London Irish and Worcester supporters and if there are any homo’s out there I would just like to know why the BBC bleep out the word ‘faggot’ but not the word ‘arse’ from the Pogues Christmas song? I mean add the word ‘bandit’ after the word ‘arse’ and what have ye got there? Would they bleep out the word ‘bandit?’ I’ll tell ye, they’re feckin’ mad in this country. Anyway, ‘tis me, Loightfingered Timmy Tooralooraloora the Tinker all the way over from me auld Inishcrone campsoite back in dear auld County Sligo. I loike te make dis trip once a year to the good auld Reading suburbs of Whitley Wood where I can meet up with some of me auld pals that were deported there for doin' normal tings loike nicking and killing and droiving around in un-taxed vehicles. (The bastard Garde seem to have become a bunch of BBC pox doctors these days, we can't even broibe dem with the poteen anymore!) Wasn’t that grand of the Reading borough council to let dem Oirish feckers from Sonbory play in the grand auld football stadium dat was built between the ghetto area of Whitley and the local sewer works. On a good day dat auld whiff can even make it across the water and if ye have the roight nose fer it ye can even pick it up in Doblin. It certainly beats the whiff of borning rubber off of those electric cables or the nearby Kentucky froid chicken shop anyway.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, will ye be listening to me goin' on, ramblin' away loike an auld feckin' eejit when Oi'm supposed to be doin' the feckin' match preview. Now, no more feckin' about and straight down to business. By the way, if any of you feckers are interested, Oi have some very good power tools fer sale, cordless, famous brands loike De Walt, Bosch and some other feckin' nip names, if so see me in the LISC tent after the game. The bastards wouldn’t let me pitch up in the mega-store!
Now, don't bring yer cars to the feckin' car park 'cos Oi hear dat the Worcester lot are planning on a car park party. Jesus, by the toime that lot have finished ye'll be lucky if ye have any feckin' paint left on yer feckin' bodywork let alone any feckin' wheels! Dey’ll nick the feckin’ enamel off yer teeth if ye get too close to dem! Oi’ve 20/1 with Paddy Power that the feckin’ windmill will go missing as well! Shoite, Oi'm rambling again, now where was Oi fer feck sake? Oh roight, the match preview.
Haven't they done well? Well haven't they? One hundred and sixteen points in the last two games and only sixteen conceded. Oi suppose they tink they have torned their season around now, what with their new arrivals, All Blacks centre Sam Tuitupou and winger Rico Gear. Very good players O'ill grant ye and something that they have probably been lacking in past seasons, where they put their faith on the sheer grunt of the pack to carry them trew. Rico is a prolific try scorer, but there again so is that slippery little fecker Marcel Garvey, but I haven't exactly noticed him set the premiership on fire so far this term! Oi think a sense of perspective is needed here; they have beaten Parma, that well-known top team on the rugby world stage, twice in what can only be described as a pikey cup competition! So feck dem last two results, let's get real here and see what damage they can do to the good auld London Irish boys.
Now, last season they barely survived and it even came down to having to win their last match, to ensure survival, against the in form Saracens and will ye give me auld bones a shake, they only went and feckin' did it and did it in style, so they did, and then they go and sack John Brain the DOR who masterminded the whole ting! Now, since then they have installed a new coaching team in Mike Ruddock and Clive Griffiths who were immediately handed over seventeen billion pounds, or something like that, by multi-billionaire owner, entrepreneur and ex rag and bone man Cecil Duckworth, brother of Vera from Coronation Street. Now, this money was invested wisely in new players of a very hoigh calibre; they bought almost all of the entire Tongan All Black team, who failed so miserably in the recent World cup! Now I don't know about you but to me, that sounds loike a recipe for disaster and to bear out my thinking the Worcester All Blacks now sit at the bottom of the table on four fecking points after seven fecking games, so they do!
Now, in fairness, the London Irish boys have not done much better having won only two and picking up tree bonus points and furthermore they suffered a serious blow when some dorty bastard copped flanker Kieran Roche one roight in the feckin' eye socket last Sunday. (Stand up Perry Freshwater and take a feckin' bow ye cheatin' feckwit!) This will have implications in the pack and set piece, as this is an area that Irish failed to strengthen sufficiently in the summer. Oi suppose, just as the Irish, the WAB’s have a very promising young ‘un in front rower Matt Mullan but then it just all goes to pieces with Tongans and Fijians and Kiwis and feckin’ names I can’t even say! Will ye take a look at some of the pack names, Tevita Taumoepeau with Aleki Lutui and Netani Talei; thank feck fer Pat Sanderson! Jesus me head’s getting fecked! Oi'm fecking worried though because this pack of raggle taggle Wuss travellers are renowned for some serious feckin' shove and grunt forward play and wit the loikes of Craig Gillies in the second row they operate a slick set piece that is second to none, so it is!
Now, add to that a serious bit of strengthening in the backs with the introduction of Rico Gear and maybe with himself, Chris Pennell and Marcel Garvey there could be some skillful shenanigans and cute running lines to be seen instead of the usual stick yer head down, push and show us yer crack. Will ye also get this; they have just secured the services of yet another journeyman from down under, Wallaby Chris Latham, so they have! What the feck is that Mike Ruddock up to? Here was me thinking that they would become the Worcester Welshie Warriors but no, instead he goes raiding the Southern hemisphere for out of sell by date tinkers looking for a good screw! But not in a faggot way. ;-)
Well the boys in green will certainly have their work cut out for them come Sunday, so they will. With poor old Kieran out for the foreseeable future, the lack of depth will show and Richard Thorpe or Steffon Armitage will have to step up to the plate. Big Bob Casey and Nick Kennedy will have to be at their best to compete in the line out and Maybe Phil Murphy will have to take the number 8 slot to allow for that Irish-Australian, Peter Hewat, or the Irish-Argentinian, Gonzal O Tiesi, to start. I’ve heard it said elsewhere that the WAB’s are out of sorts and playing rubbish at the moment, but I don’t believe that for a second. I think this will be close and Irish will find it tough after their punishing cup match last weekend, so they will. With big question marks over the availability of Mike Catt, Shane Geraghty and The Irish-South African prop forward Francis Mc Rautenbach, they could well be under the feckin’ cosh from the start!
Well of course there are remaining questions; will they be bringing the caravans or the Winnebago, will their fans stamp their feet, slow hand clap and boo if one of our boys go down injured and will they be prepared as a team? Two matches with a class winger and centre may not prove to be enough toime together. To be sure, when Oi was bare knuckle fighting it took at least tree or four good beatings before I could finally get the upper hand on my opponent. Den Oi usually ended up shooting the fecker and, as far as I know, that’s not allowed in rugby just yet. When it is, ye can be sure it will be that arse crack Freshwater tug that tries it out forst, so he will!
Irish by not many and the stadium to get all the seats nicked.
--Loightfingered Timmy Tooralooraloora