Will we all be pissed off down the Causeway?
[With Master Scribe still out of action, Swish steps up to the plate.]I've often pondered on the implications of a long and arduous drive down to the Causeway, the logistics of the traffic and the parking problems and a Sunday afternoon match hardly helps to augment my enthusiasm. Nevertheless, I do think that here, of all places, is the place that I derive most pleasure from, when being witness to a positive result. In this respect I would liken a trip to the Causeway with making love to a beautiful woman. Approach with care as you descend into the valley, take a slow cruise up as you near the patch and then finally, when you spot a suitable gap to park up, ram it home before someone else nicks your slot.
So on to Adams Park, or as we prefer to call it, the Causeway, home of Wycombe Wanderers and their poorer council tenants, London Wasps. The ground with all the cheap seats, although this is not necessarily reflected in the bloody price you have to pay for them! Ah yes, no doubt I will be taking my normal position, standing behind the uprights at the back end. I've often thought that being in this position is reminiscent of my first intimate experience, but I won't go into that.
London Wasps are not really firing on all four cylinders at the moment; no doubt in no small way due to having thousands of their senior players away on world cup duty, (seven with England if memory serves me right) and as a result of this they find themselves languishing near the foot of the table with three defeats and one draw to their credit and only three points to show for it.
It does seem strange, however, that a team such as Wasps who have yet again nicked one of our best players, profess they do not have the strength in depth to overcome these eventualities. Strength in depth is something that I have always strongly advocated, it's very much like making love to a beautiful, albeit, demanding woman. It's all well and good putting in a stunning performance, but in the eventuality of a re-match, you must make sure you have plenty of juice in the reserve tank otherwise you won't be winning any trophies or spraying the old fizzy all over the place in that particular arena!
As luck would have it London Irish will face a Wasps team bereft of their world cup gladiators who helped England to somehow pull off a shock win against the bigoted Aussie whingers at the weekend. It must be a blow to any team to be missing the likes of Phil Vickery, Joe Worsley and Simon Shaw, but the one I will miss most of all is the fine man that is Lawrence Dallaglio, taking his rightful place at the rear, that shiny old purple head of his bobbing up and down as he packs himself in.
In the backs, they will be missing Josh Lewsey along with ex-London Irish favourite old boy deserter, Paul Sackey. Nevertheless, just think Tom Voyce, Danny Cipriani, Mark Van Gisbergen, Dave Walder with a centre pairing of Fraser Waters and another ex old boy traitor, Riki Flutey and you begin to realize that this team oozes quality and it is only a matter of time before things begin to click. I also admire the precision and tactical nous of a good number 9 and with come home early, failed Ireland international Eoin Reddan starting at scrum half, I would expect to see his balls being pumped out in all directions and very rarely missing their mark.
All in all, I think that anyone seeing the team sheet could not fail to be impressed with this line up. The Irish will have to compete up front to avoid prolonged spells of Wasps domination; probably camped within our 22. When I see a team going through this camping phase I am very much reminded of erecting a tent and making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the flaps, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.
Vigilance will also be the key when the ball is fed out wide, as we are aware, Wasps will be eager to make amends for their early season failings and they will have a point to prove after the humiliation of that 56 – 37 stonker that was handed to them the season before last! Not that we like to mention that of course.
This is a team that will be smarting from their early season wounds and will be looking for a suitable scalp. This is a team that under the guidance of Ian McGeechan has always been one of the best, having achieved two European cups and a variety of other silverware on their journey. Not that they like to mention that of course!
And yet despite all this talent, London Wasps will sometimes show their cynical side and play very much like they are making love to a bevy of beautiful women at a gangbang. The ball is caressed and fondled until it eventually finds it's way into a seething mass of steaming bodies writhing about on the floor, the referee calls "ruck" or certainly a word that rhymes with that, the gaps are penetrated by probing hands and when the whistle blows the not publicity shy, touchline stalker, Lawrence Dallaglio is left writhing on his back looking innocent but panting heavily, red faced and very obviously exhausted!
Well, the old master of the hands in technique may well be missing but rest assured that he has passed his dark arts on to his charges. Expect to see the usual skullduggery!
How should the Irish approach this match? Well, it was Charlie Hodgson who showed the way by performing a tactical kicking display as Sale crushed this Wasps side last weekend and lessons can surely be learned from that. Cipriani and Van Gisbergen both proved to have butter fingers under the relentless pumping of Charlie’s balls, a bit like Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris. I often say that formulating a game plan to take on the champions of Europe is rather like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, get your balls high in the air and behind their ears forcing them to turn their back on you, rush quickly onto them and pin them down, forcing a turnover, finally, when the gap opens up, spot your target and firmly push yourself into it making sure that you have a good grip while applying firm downward pressure.
Irish to their credit have one win and three defeats thus far and have accumulated a massive six points over four matches, double the total of Wasps! It therefore stands to reason that Irish are twice as good a team and will go to Adams Park with their heads held high and bristling with confidence. Come the final whistle, I will expect to see them standing as proud as my erection when making love to a beautiful woman.
Wasps by 15.
--Swish Phony