Oh come all ye faithful will we be joyful and triumphant?
I was about to do my rounds when there came a tapping of someone gently rapping, rapping at the convent door. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and instead of the usual chav slapper looking for a handout and a bed for the night, a handsome monk clad in a rather fetching emerald green habit confronted me with a “don’t push me ‘cos I’m close to the edge, I’m trying not to lose my head a-huh-huh-a-huh-huh.” I quickly realised that this was no ordinary rapping monk but rather a member of an ancient order, the one and only order of the odd shaped ball! What could this eejit possibly want with me, a humble nun? I pondered as his hand brushed aside the copious layers of my outer skirts and delved in to explore the slippery folds of my satin underwear, and then he whispered in my ear.A match preview! He wants me to do a match preview of my all time favourite rugby team the London Irish! I suppose that after the seedy and shameful ramblings of the Master Scribe that so upset the Saracens supporters last time, you can hardly blame them for wanting a more pious viewpoint!
Now this is one I’m really looking forward to as we travel to the picturesque and beautiful North Yorkshire town of Watford and a visit to our good, albeit sensitive chums at the Saracens Rugby Football Club.
There are many reasons why I’m looking forward to this trip, as I always do of course, because I find the fans such awfully nice people.
I actually found out that the word ‘Saracen’ means a member of a pre-Islamic nomadic people of the Syrian-Arabian deserts. How romantic is that? Early Arab gypsies! Super stuff indeed and I will most certainly be buying some clothes pegs from them while I am there.
I think it is also much more than a coincidence that we happen to be playing the Saracens on the Lord’s day and I find the kick off time fits perfectly into my schedule whereby I can go to mass in the morning, take Holy Communion and then take a leisurely bicycle ride to Vicarage Road, giving me enough time to gather a group of Saracens supporters together for a soul cleansing Rosary recital and a quick fag prior to the match.
Vicarage Road, wow! How ecumenical is that? Our Lord will surely be looking down from high on this one!
Christ Did It All
Christ did it all, all, all
Christ did it all, all, all
Christ did it all now I am free
Christ did it all I got the victory
But most of all I have eternal life
Christ did it all He did it all
Christ did it all He did it all
Christ did it!
Oh joy! I always find myself bursting into a rendition of that before a match; I can hardly contain the excitement welling up inside me! Wow, I just thought how great it would be to get our lovely drummers to stir up a backing beat to that song during the match Gospel style. Now I’m starting to shiver and this is even before I meet up with Father O Malley who will no doubt insist on his ritual sniffing of my bicycle saddle before we go in. Lord only knows why he does it; he tells me it’s some sort of health and safety thing?
Now, before I start and because this is a family site, I would like to make it clear that I shall be referring to certain players within the Saracens squad by their initials only, Neil de Kock will be NdK and Alan Dickens will be AD. May God have mercy on their souls for not seeking to change these names by means of deed poll! In my mind obscenity has no place on a rugby football pitch and I wouldn’t want the announcer mentioning de cocks and dick-ins all over the place! In fact these two players should be dropped! That would give them something to think about come scrum time.
Well, the Saracens have certainly made a very bright start to the season, unlike most other seasons, when they have been found languishing at the bottom end, they are proving that, contrary to popular opinion, they are not a bunch of overpaid, glamorous lugs, as the less holy amongst the rugby brethren would imply. Indeed they have lost just two out of their first six league games and currently sit in third position in the GP on 19 points, just 4 points behind the leaders (whom we have already beaten). In the Heineken cup, however, they have only managed a measly 6 points compared to a maximum and impressive haul of 10 by London Irish!
When you look at the Saracens they do actually boast a fine set of personnel and why not? It’s not as if they haven’t spent a considerable amount of time and money both in fruitless experimentation and constant staff changes, sackings and redundancies in an effort to reach the pinnacle, which they have time and time again strived towards and constantly and miserably failed to achieve, despite large wads of cash and the introduction of Great Britain rugby league superhuman legend Andy Farrell. Some would say on a nice little bung from the RFU but I say perish the thought for that would be a sin (and a waste of bloody money based upon his performances for club and country thus far)!
Anyway, I digress, but it just seems to be a case of witnessing one too many of Farrell’s “solid yet scarcely spectacular” displays. Bring on that young lad would be my advice to the Saracens gaffer Allan Gaffney. Adam Powell at 20 years old would certainly be one to nurture for the inside centre slot, meanwhile send Farrell to the confessional and get him to admit that he is a centre Philistine when compared to the likes of Mike Catt.
Father O Malley informs me that the Saracens pack will give ours a “good stuffing” (sage and onion? Apple and chestnut? Who knows?) if our new boy, the strangely absent, Clark Dermody and all time favourite sick note Faan Rautenbach are not available. We will need all the muscle that we can muster to contend with a Saracens front row that may include a mobile 20 stone Samoan, Cencus Johnston, Italian hooker Fabio Ongaro and a choice from about five other big units that may even include Cobus Visagie, the feared and revered tighthead prop, who came off the bench for the first time this season against Biarritz last weekend. I would doubt that one though; he seems to spend more time out injured than our Faan!
It is also very curious, when going through the team sheet that familiar names seem to catch the eye; Paul Gustard, Rod Penney, Ed thrower, have sold their souls and are all making regular first team appearances! Heaven help any of them if they venture to put one over on their ex-team mates, for they will be cast down to a place of eternal damnation where there will be a wailing and a gnashing of teeth; they will be banished to Sixways!
As a result, I would expect any of these players, if selected, to turn in a mediocre performance or exclude themselves completely prior to the match with some sort of mystery tummy bug. Unfortunately, I do not hold such sway with the likes of Glen Jackson, NdK (God have mercy on his soul) Hugh Vyvyan, Ben Skirving etc. etc. so our lads will have to be inspired and play a bit of high intensity rugby! This is of course perfectly achievable as we now have Peter Hewat looking very solid at the back and more than capable of carrying or hoofing back any big kicks that either Gordon Ross or Glen Jackson may try to test us with and we have all our brave world cup boys available. Peter Richards will bring in a lot of experience behind the scrum as will Mike Catt, and Seilala Mapusua and, on recent form, Tomas De Vedia (bless him) must surely start against his old team. I also gather that Juan Manuel Leguizimon will attempt to baffle the opposition when he adds to his comedic portfolio of swallow dives and drop kicks and performs a world first for rugby by scoring an own goal! How fabulous!
I am so looking forward to seeing the great Richard Hill, always a commanding figure whether he be second row or Number 8, and I hope David Seymour comes off the bench, just for the comedy value to canter and trot around like the little pony that he so resembles. The question is now; will our brave boys be up for this encounter with the superstars? The Catt against the Farrell would indicate plenty of attacking and positional play. Kick for position and play into their 22 and the Saracens may well fold as this appears to be their defensive weak spot. I would liken the situation to a David and Goliath scenario and I would expect, but in no way encourage, our David (Paice) to punch out a few lights if the going gets tough. If so I hope our David is a bit sneakier about it this time and doesn’t get caught! I shall pray for him.
I count not myself to have apprehended,
when I think of all the things I've done;
but this one thing I do, I put the past behind me,
so I can...
Press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling,
press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling,
press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling,
in Jesus Christ.
So when all the drums fall silent, when the good hearted banter has faded away, when the streamers and the pizza’s have been discarded and the final whistle has sounded we can gaze toward the Vicarage road scoreboard and bear witness to a light from high shining upon us. There it is for all to see:
The Saracens – 3 (o.g. Juan Manuel Leguizimon)
The London Irish – 65 (Tries. Hewat, Catt, Armitage(D), De Vedia 3, Richards 2, Conv. Hewat 8, Pen. Hewat 3)
I hope that as me, you will not be visiting a local hostelry post match, as alcohol is the Devil’s own brew and a sin. My mind, body and soul will be purged and fully satiated just having been witness to the display that our brave boys turn in and I shall be happy, so happy that I might even let the old duffer, Father O Malley get his leg over on the way home. Mind you, he’ll have to get me pissed first!
--Sister Mary Mount Assumptia
Bridge:
The Lord is faithful and He's just,
He will forgive your sins.
Vamp:
Press, press, press
press on.