Harlequinade
Harlequins supporters are, in the main, a well-intentioned bunch. Not all are called Nigel. I have heard of a Quentin, several Tarquins and even a Giles. But mainly Nigel. There are, as far as my research shows, no recorded instances of any Sids or Paddys. Which is probably just as well all things considered.Now some will say "What kind of a gratuitously insulting way is that to start a match preview?" And, you know, you can't really argue with such a query. I mean, in the greater scheme of things, how can the introduction of a rather crude and unprovoked slur be seen as having any merit whatsoever? The answer is that it can't be. It has entirely no merit. So then what, may we assume, is the point? Indeed.
This is a true story.
Two or three years ago there was a knock on our front door and when I opened it (the door, of course, not the knock because you can only open a knock with a great deal of difficulty. It requires a knack. Or so I'm told) there was a young bloke there asking if we'd consider reverting to having our milk delivered rather than buying it in Waitrose. Good question! No doubt about it. Anyway this guy's wearing a Wasps hat and he says "I see you've got a London Irish sticker in the back window of your car" Well, faced with damning evidence such as that I could see no advantage in falsehood so it was "It's a fair cop, Guv, but what's your point"?
"Well" says he, "I may be wearing a Wassops hat but that's because I'm on the books at the Causeway in the academy (or at any rate not the main squad ... I can't remember exactly what he said but he couldn't have been getting a huge amount of money as he was forced to tout milk deliveries to make a few bob) but my heritage lies elsewhere"
"Oh" I said.
"Yes" he said, "my name's Stoop".
Well I can't recall what his first name was but it was something like Ben. Not Nigel, anyway. So I said something fairly prosaic like "You ought really to be wearing a Quins hat then" and, blow me down, he says "Yes, my Grandad was Adrian Stoop". His granddad's only the geezer that the Quins' ground is named after!
So I signed up and now we get our milk delivered by Cliffords Dairies. I've never seen the young man's name in any Wasps reports or stories but I believed him because he said he was related to the guy who, it's said, developed modern back play. What a mug that makes me. Possibly.
Anyway, our Nemesis for several of the last few years when we played Barf was that bloody bloke Malone. Now he's at Grandad's ground and he's only, oh Gawd!, the 'king leading points scorer in the Premiership so far this year. Will this torment never end? (Actually, if Oz had picked him in the World Cup, Engerland wouldn't have made it past the quarter finals. He'd have got all the kicks that poor old Stirling missed.)
First priority of the day next Sunday must be to shut him down whenever he's anywhere near drop goal range i.e. in our half. Alternatively someone could be deputed to stand rather heavily on his kicking foot at the first opportunity. A shamelessly vicious tactic, it's true, but come on! Vicious is a given; all we need is someone with less shame than the rest.
Strettle's still feeling it I presume as he didn't figure on the score sheet from last weekend and Monye ... well! Had half a pitch start on Delon at the LDH and still got pulled down. So we can write him off as a spent force.
Why isn't Volley playing at the moment? We owe him one from last year's LDH and his spearmint tackle on little Hodgson. Questions, questions. Will Easter and Gomarsall be selected? Wouldn't have thought so after the fairly intensive few weeks they've just been through.
Looking at the team they fielded last weekend there's really nothing much too frightening there. Had we not had the massive boost that Sunday's win has given the team and had we still been playing like we did at Wasps then I'd have said we could get severely stuffed by these guys like at the LDH but now I don't think there's anything to fear. We need to shut Molly down and, if we can succeed in that, then I think we'll get the win. Now's the time we need to be giving serious thought to try bonuses. We have a lot of ground to make up and the sooner we start on that road the better.
I suspect Pete Hewat was trying just a little too hard last Sunday and that, coupled with the fact that he didn't know his interior clock arse from his interior clock elbow, meant that his kicking wasn't top notch. However, having got the debut out of the way and having had an extra week to acclimatise, I'm sure we'll see a much more relaxed guy right in the kicking groove. It gives me the feeling of reassurance about the success of kicks that the lovely Barry brought to every game he played for us.
Looking at the set pieces I'd say that we can more than hold our own in the scrum. It was a good solid performance against Glaws and assuming that there were no serious injuries picked up I'd fancy our chances in that area. I haven't a clue what's wrong with Faan. I'm hoping that he'll be named as playing when the team's announced although I thought both Tonga and Dan Murphy had very solid games. David Paice needs to tighten up on his discipline. A couple of very silly errors, such as he made last week, tend to devalue all the other good work that he does. All in all though it's a pretty dependable front row.
With Nick in the form of his life and Bob barrelling around like some berserk Leviathan (albeit in waltz time rather than quickstep) our second row can take on all comers. Indeed Uncle Dick Best waxed repeatedly lyrical in commentary about how we top all the lineout stats. And, blimey, how the performance was improved with Kieran at the back jumping like an apoplectic flea on a hotplate. We should totally dominate them in the lineout if David Paice can hit his jumpers consistently. Danie failed to make the bench last week so must be injured. ( I wish the official site would publish some info on how players are doing in their recovery from injury - there also used to be a section in the programme covering this topic. I know the arguments about giving information to the opposition but I think they're basically bollocks. Teams don't rely on that sort of info to make decisions.)
As far as the back line goes I'm rather hoping that Peter Richards will play for at least part of the game. He's had very little serious game time in France and should be fighting fit and raring to go. As has been said by many others Paul H looks tired and slow currently and could do with being stood down.
Shane looks better with each game since his return but still isn't up to his peak condition physically and mentally. His reaction time needs honing but I think that only comes from genuine match situations. Seilala looks good to me. He looks lean and mean and ready to not just smash his way through but get some smooth, mazy running going. He's deceptively fast for a guy weighing in at 102 kg. Without a doubt one of Brian's best picks.
Another question. Is Sailosi injured now or will he be available? I believe Tomas is going to be a major force in our three quarter line and, at the moment I'd like to see him on one wing and Sailor on the other. I'm another in the camp that thinks Topsy might need a rest or maybe a spell on loan in Div 1. He's lost his spark and, it seems, a major chunk of his enthusiasm.
Which brings me inevitably to the outside centre berth. I'm not convinced by Delon at 13. As far as I was concerned he was pretty much anonymous last week. There could well be some hard-nosed defending needing to be done against the likes of Hal Luscomb and, if he plays, Jordan Turner-Hall (what a very fitting name for a Harlequins player!) These are serious guys and Delon's defence has always been his Achilles heel. No one doubts his attacking flair but this game will tell whether he's actually going to make it at outside centre.
As mentioned earlier Pete Hewat (the official site called him Pete so I guess that's his preference) will bed in and become one of the London Irish all time greats. I'm probably wrong but I don't remember him ever being out of position last Sunday and there was one occasion between the 22 and the half way line in front of the West Stand when he flew in to gather and clear a loose ball that others were looking at in a bewildered fashion. This man knows the role of full back.
Final word on the three quarters. I sincerely hope that Mr. Catt has been able to spend some time with the guys this week to perk up their motivation and generally inspire. That's worth a few extra points.
These previews would be a million times easier if they could be done after the teams were revealed but it ain't so and never will be. I haven't got a clue who will be in the Quins squad but I will just repeat the point I made above. Shut down Malone, particularly anywhere in drop goal range, and life will be so much easier.
I'm going out on a limb and predicting a win for us with no bonus point for them. Could we get a four try bonus? It's not out of the question.
Having started with a fairly gratuitous piece of devilment I'd just like to conclude with another. To those English rugby supporters who may be feeling down in the dumps and hard done by ... "Four more years, boys, four more years!"
Oh, and don't be so cheap. Get your milk delivered from now on!
--Donkey Boy