EDF cup match or walk the Mumbles Mile. Isn’t it?
Think Ospreys, think fish eating hawk, think pandion haliaetus, and think one name; Justin Marshall, maybe James Hook and Tango man himself Gavin Henson. Apart from that there is only one name that stands out and that is Filo Tiatia and Sonny Parker. So what else do we really know about the Ospreys apart from some of their names? Good job someone has done some research isn’t it? They won the Magners league in the 2006/07 season, (that was because all of the good teams were concentrating on the European cup) they are currently sitting in third spot in that same league and they come from Wales.For this, the second round of the EDF waste of time, resources and money cup, the big question is, is the Big Issue on sale outside of the Liberty Stadium? The Liberty stadium, sounds a bit like a woman’s panty liner really, bit embarrassing if you ask me, is home to the Ospreys and Swansea City Football Club. With a 20,000 seating capacity I would expect a few echoes come try time next Sunday. "Hey Dai-Dai-Dai-Dai-Dai-did you bring the wife-ife-ife-ife-ife-ife-ife?" Baaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa--aa-aa-a-a-a "No, can't you see it's the bloody girlfriend-end-end-end-end-end-end!" I also expect that Ospreys will be fielding their finest just as they did as they dismantled a drowned and bedraggled band of pikeys at Worcester by 47 - 16 last weekend with tries from Shane Williams, Nikki Walker and James Hook. Having stated their intention in that match and after witnessing the London Irish statement of intent against Quins, I can only see this match going one of two ways, we either win or lose, or it could be a draw.
There is no question that the Ospreys will be up for this one; they actually think it's a good competition on par with Blankety blank! Neath and Swansea eh, famous for spawning a wealth of Welsh talent, Catherine Zeta Jones, T.J. Hooker, P.J. Proby, J.P.R. er someone, John Williams, Max Boyce and his hilarious six foot leek! “Ogi, ogi, ogi, oy, oy, oy!” Oh, those Welsh, you know? Circa 1970? Broke the mould. Theory out the window. Free expression of rugby. Undefeatable. Is that a word? It is now! You know? Far cry from small boys in the park, clothes props for uprights. No structure. Six at the back, four in the middle, four up front, one's gone home for his tea. Fish fingers? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.
I once met a famous rugby player from Neath you know, don't ask me his name, he never told me, just wanted to get his leg over with my wife of the time. He wore a nice tie though so I didn’t mind about that. Precocious Welsh talent, he had it all you know, speed, acceleration, brakes, oil pressure gauge, goose steps, swerves, all the tricks, the dummy, the drop, the knock on, the knock down, the smack in the face and knock them out, the bosanova, upandunder, jig-a-jig, open sesame, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya! Isn’t it, Steve Miller Band?
In order to get anything out of this game the Irish will have to tighten up on their defence as the Ospreys have some very penetrating and speedy backs, so will it be the blitz, the rush or the banana? Banana defence? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean at least you know where you stand with the Brian Smith wingless wonder formation. Pick it up from the back of the scrum or ruck, pass it flat to the winger, who is standing two feet in front of the gain line, forcing him to turn round and retrieve the ball, smack! Ooooh, I bet that hurt missus! Nee- naa- nee- naa- nee- naa- nee- naaa. Marvellous.
Questions will be asked; is Peter Hewat really on the plane back to Oz? Are bats really blind or are they taking the piss? Do we field a second string team? Do we want it? Will we get it? Is it worth it? A new winter coat and shoes for the wife and a bicycle on the boys birthday: Shipbuilding, Robert Wyatt? Elvis Costello? Oooh very similar. Can we do it? Motivation, positive mental attitude, self belief, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it I can really move from my head right down to my blue suede shoes. Isn’t it? Rubettes 1973? Four on two, four on two, two on one down the wing, draw the man, take the tackle and feed, feed out to the man on the overlap. Forwards win the match, forwards forever forwards. Did I ever mention that I was a highly successful marketing mogul?
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Marvellous, isn’t it? Welsh beer and Dylan Thomas eh? Hey Mr Tambourine man? Kingsway pleasure zone, oooh vibrant, Mumbles mile, cor, fun capital of South West Wales, chink chink sold! Two pints of Welsh beer and a portion of Bob Dylan Thomas please, eh? Not half!
The choice is now yours; will you venture into deepest darkest Wales for this match? Are you a real supporter or only a stay at home listen to the radio and pretend you were there one? Supporters eh, you know, not like it used to be, isn’t it? Work all week, home on Friday night, full scrub down and bleaching in the tin bath in front of a roaring fire, champ and cabbage for tea, sixteen pints of stout down at the local, pickled eggs, a bowl of whelks and a bag of crisps, one for the road, bottoms up, champ and cabbage sandwich for supper, Dutch ovens in bed, get the wife’s head under, phew! Next day up, boiled eggs, cabbage and soldiers for breakfast, slap the little woman on the arse and away at the crack of dawn. Meet up with your chums, bawdy songs, Oh my darling how can I tell you I love you when you’re sitting on my face? Sixteen bottles of brown ale and a pork pie on the bus and train, sixteen pints of stout in the club house, bleurghh, bleurghh, bleurghh, better out than in, eh? Oops touching cloth, paaarrp! Phuruuump! Oooh that’s a squitty one in the old shreddies! Marvellous isn’t it?
Ospreys by 15
Cyril – Rugby Manager