There’s a rumbling from the West
PrologueGloucester Man
Give him scars and stitches, cherry and white to wear
When following his team, he'll go anywhere
You do not speak, you wouldn't dare
Death sneaks around him, he isn't scared
Odd shaped ballers, he doesn't care
London Irish beware, Gloucester man.
He will trash the turnstile, better let him in
He'll reduce the Madstad to a heap of tin
Wage war on the field, what's more win
Black eyes and bruises and cast iron chin
Shout for the big push when the ball's put in
That's him, Gloucester man.
In his eyes no emotion, pulsing veins in his head
On the pitch make the tackles and leave them for dead
As he parries and hassles and bullies the ref
'till his eyes bulge like conkers and his ears become deaf
Beware of the wrath of the man from the West
No losing plan for Gloucester man.
Is it time to be afraid?
Nah, this will be a piece of cake...
For our first televised home game of the season we host the team that are currently flying high at the top of the premiership having won all three of their away matches and both of their home matches.
There can be no doubt as to the ambition that this historic rugby club possess, not only have they just completed a major ground refurbishment, currently recording the second highest home crowd figures in the GP up there with the Tigers, but also, the closed season signings have left your average Joe public supporter positively dripping wet with envy. Take note here Ian Taylor, if ever there was a model for an ambitious rugby club then this surely must be it!
Coming off the back of a very impressive twatting of Tigers and narrowly missing out on a bonus point win at Welford Road, Glaws were buoyant in taking on an ailing Sale side at their home patch last weekend, beating them 31 – 12. This leaves Glaws on 22 points at the top of the premiership, 4 points clear of their nearest rivals, the prudish Saracens.
After the lack-lustre performance displayed by Irish at Adams Park I would imagine that the cherry and whites will be positively chomping at the bit at the prospect of destroying the exiles in front of the TV cameras and who would bet against that being precisely the case?
Gloucester are not exactly short of choices when it comes to team selection, even in these lean WC times. Up front Patrice Collazo and Carlos Nieto are both putting in solid performances with Olivier Azam scrummaging well. Along with Andy Hazell, an ever-improving Luke Narraway and what’s turning out to be an excellent signing in black belted karate kid German Jock, Alasdair Strokosch, it is frightening to think what the pack will be like when all available personnel return!
Both Gareth Cooper and Mike Prendergast have been making their respective marks at scrum half while in the centre the names of Anthony Allen, Mike Tindall and ex Tiger Leon Lloyd may ring a few bells. I do believe they also have a certain Ali James whom I’m sure I saw play for Henley Hawks a few seasons back. Paul Hull was in attendance on a scouting mission and obviously missed this nugget who was good enough for Glaws but obviously not for us?
Not satisfied with Ryan Lamb being the current top point scorer in the GP and obviously in an effort to replace old boy leaver Ludovic Mercier, what do Glos do? They sign some second rate fly half from an ailing and failing Scottish side as back up. Come in Chris Paterson! It’s enough to make you heave up your giblets.
I suppose I better also mention a not altogether insignificant other new signing, Lesley Vainikolo the human volcano with balls of steel. Signed in the summer from league side Bradford Bulls, the speculation was whether he could cut the gravy in union. I suppose running in five tries on his debut match may have gone some way to answering that question! I wonder how our backs will fare when they see him come thundering down the wing at them!
Irish really must pick up their game, scrub that, Irish must start to play premiership standard rugby if they are going to get anything from this match. With just Sarries to play away in the league due to both HC and EDF games starting, the next opportunity for points will present itself in the form of fellow strugglers Worcester on 23rd December. We are already way off the pace and anything we can take from these three pre-Christmas matches would be welcome. This is not an impossible task as there are chinks in the Glaws armour, their lineout is probably an area of weakness and, although they won last weekend, their game was notably off the pace in comparison to previous weeks. Now it’s just up to Irish to exploit these chinks and do what they did to Sale when they were riding high and unbeaten a couple of seasons ago!
Simple really!
Gloucester by 15 and probably more.
Epilogue
There's a convoy from the West heading into town
A red and white army from Gloucester making for our ground
On the trains and on the buses they quickly make their way
Turbo Massey Ferguson's, engines purr and grind away
There'll be Joe from Cirencester, farmer Giles from Hucclecote
And a one eyed shepherd from Brockworth who always brings his goat.
The players run onto the field amidst a mighty roar
Anticipate the way it goes hope we're the first to score
A dodgy one from Davey has us retching in our beer
That fecker Olly Morgan scores, Lamb puts them seven clear
And after forty minutes our heads are really down
Just what is Davey doing? He's acting like a clown.
So how this lot from Gloucester, just pulled our lot apart
Has plunged a rusty pitchfork through the middle of my heart
We shake some hands around us, fair play they wish us well
We will share a pint afterwards in the bar in the hotel
The Gloucester team parade around to accolade and more
While our lot simply hang their heads and gaze down at the floor.
But stood up in the East stand there's a group that all can see
Who are giving us the 'V' sign surely not in victory?
More like "fuck off plastic paddies" they shout and they moan
"We've kicked your sorry arse again, we've skinned you to the bone
We've sucked you like a vampire, reduced your team to tears
We are Glawster we are Glawster" ringing in our ears.
And as we take the walk of shame amidst their acrid bile
Beneath a shower of spit and beer we trudge in single file
Humiliated, mocked and sad, we can't take any more
We're sick up to the eyeballs of the mighty Glawster roar
Like the chilli on last night’s kebab you're the bitter end
Like a disinfected shit-house you're clean around the bend.
--Arthur Cooper-Clark