London Wasps Eye Revenge
It is always going to be referred to as a chance for the Pests to give the Irish a real fecking and gain sweet revenge over their M4 rivals. After one feck of a freak result at the arse-end of April, with a fourteen try match, (nine of the feckers for Irish) and an away day victory 56-37 for LI, Wasps will be up for this beggar.Shaun Edwards, the friggin’ Rugby league converted defensive guru, was seen suffering a spasm of turrets while making his way down the tunnel at Wycombe that evening. Edwards, also the former Olympic ski-jumper, always shows his organs on his sleeve, dirty fecker.
His evil eyes showed a desire to rip a few limbs from the players that had listened to his harsh words of wisdom over a few glory filled seasons. ‘Defence wins matches’, was his motto, and by feck he was on to a winner with that little gem.
Character of Champions is shown in the friggin’ repost after such a mullering. These fecking Pests turned in one feck of a performance in one of the games of the season the following week. A 37-32 away win pushed the Glaws lads out of the play-offs and allowed LW a chase to retain their shiny thing at HQ.
As it was, they fell short on the day to the eventual Champs, Sale, to be denied yet another freakin’ Trophy.
London Wasps are still a freakin’ awesome outfit that will be there or thereabouts come the business end of the season, no matter what the fecking pundits say. With a mixture of experience, wisdom, speed and youth, the Insects in Thames Valley are still a force of power to behold.
Ian McGeechan, the Jock legend in a country more renowned for their diet and love of they neighbour, has tried to identify and fill the holes exposed during a tough 05/06 campaign.
He went ooooop North, to pick on the carcass of the relegated Leeds Tykes, and pulled a fecking youthful trio that Oscar Wilde would find of more importance than being earnest over. The Dublin born fag-on-a-crag would be dripping more than a leaking tap if he could see past the meat, and more at the rugby prospects.
Tom Palmer, having been awarded a cap for England, has to be the obvious star man to help Wasps get to fecking grips with lineout duties, but the two other young feckers ain’t half bad either. Former Glasgow 9, Mark McMillan, came highly recommended, as well as the flying Yorkshire pudding David Doherty. Doherty is a raw talent that has the game to go a fecking long way.
From the West Country came Simon Amor, to cover the retiring (career status, not personality) Matt Dawson, and one Philip Vickery. Vickers, if fitness is delivered to his freaking battered body, could be a shrewd signing and will give a solid platform to get them girls going.
The other notable signing is that of Dave Walder, the man given a free ‘feck off’ pass from the England top dog and former Pest, Sir Squeaky-fecker of Whingedom. The former Falcon is a great player when on form, with a good rugby mind to fit any game plan told of him.
These signings will go a long way to gaining a foothold at the summit of English and European club rugby once more. With their existing international class, and emergence of some friggin’ quality young fellas, Irish will have to hit the ground harder than a fat bird wearing stilettos come Friday evening.
Not since 1925 have London Irish recorded back-to-back wins. A youthful S J Cagney bagged a couple at the Pests home ground of Sudbury in Middlesex to claim the converted double over the Exiled Insects of London. This is the same year that the animated classic, ‘How the Camel Got The Hump’, came to the silver screens. A fecking awesome docu-soap on the plight of Saracens, and how no fecker played them for 16 years.
The Exiles will have to do it the hard way, gaining two wins at the infamous Adams Park, home of the ‘Gay Disco’, and named after Frank Adams. This great man gifted Wycombe Wanderers, Loakes Park after the war, when parking was not a fecking issue, and buses were just not required. Their late great captain, Neville Compton, would be spinning in his grave that his great rugby club was playing at a kiss-ball park!
London Wasps formed the other quarter of the London Double Header on the opening day of the season, playing as the away team against the Watford Sorries. A hard fought win was their reward, 21 – 19, in a match that was fraught (but marginally better than the previous game) with errors and early season nerves. A win is a win in this league, and now they look to host Irish and the Hairyquims in the next two rounds.
With home advantage, McGeechan will be sniffing like a flu-ridden cocaine addict at a three win start. All this without a few of his broken stars, who will return to give it lally!
Phil Vickery is eyeing a return to action in October, while listening to Aqua, lounging around in his ‘Y’s and smoking 60 B&H’s. The fecking leader of men, Lawrence Dallaglio, is rehabbing and practising the use of his bionic ankle following surgery in the summer. He may find this troublesome, as the Tiger’s daft surgeon still owns the remote and may be inclined to have the English-Lion kick his own ass.
Another notable absentee is Jonny O'Connor. The hardworking flanker and twelve times capped Irish fella is progressing well with the neck injury he picked up in the first minute of the Powergen Cup Final against Llanelli. He really got an accidental twatting from Alix Popham that is still as hideous as Jo Brands thong to view today!
Former Kiwi, now Englishman, Mark Van Gisbergen is yet another class casualty that would chomp at the bit to get pitch time, well if he could. He suffered a fractured jaw (fecking ouch!) playing against Border Reivers in a pre-season friendly and may well be back on 23rd April 2011.
This still leaves one feck of a squad to confront. A front row of Tim Payne, the born again Christian and stand in captain Raphael Ibanez, as well as the freakishly ugly fecker, Peter Bracken, is going to be a test. Ibanez has got himself back into the French fold with some big fecking huge displays, and will be allez uber the paddock all night.
The second row will contain the hunk of Nairobi meat in the form of Simon Shaw, the six foot eight England capped charger. He just fecking loves it on the field, given license to rip into the heart of all-comers, issuing big hits and exploding into tight areas, but not in a homo way.
His partner may well be Tom Palmer, as was the case on Saturday, although Dan Leo may start at lock. The New Zealand born Samoan has the ability to play at flanker, adding to the options come line-out time.
The back-row will be the real force to fecking toy with in getting ball from turnover, or by any other friggin’ means. Tom Rees, 21-year-old fast fecker, has recovered from his horrific injury to hopefully start his ascent into international recognition. He is as hungry as a hungry thing to get games, and is proving to be a real crowd favourite.
Joe Worsley is just as inspired to succeed and is returning to great form. James Haskell, a player who has played all underage levels since U3 for England may provide an option.
Simon Amor and Dave Walder will be striving to get quick ball out to the girls from dark-art winning ball given a fecking chance. And then the friggin’ fun can begin for the Pests.
Former Exile, Rob Hoadley, may get a more creative nod over the fecking huge fecker, Ayoola Erinle even though the dark destroyer scored a trademark try in the opener. They will miss Stuart Abbott, and what club wouldn’t, but life goes on at a club like London Wasps, and the salary cap must be met.
Fraser Waters, fresh from extending his stay for one more season, is an intelligent runner, and gentle lover. He will ensure that a zip is delivered to the play, like a zipped zipper having been zipped by a zipper World Champion in a World record zipping time. Class act and one to watch.
Pace, pace, a bit of bang, plus huge tackles (allegedly) can be found in the back three. Tom Voyce, having suffered from the disappointment of being dropped from England Elite Squad, has to be one of the most awkward feckers to bring to the deck when in possession. Another Exiled-exile, Paul Sackey, still knows a thing or two about grabbing fivers and just loves to give it fecking large against the Irish.
And finally the World class performer and all round good egg and snappy dresser, Josh Lewsey. It is said that his ear-wax tastes of honey, and he once bedded sixteen top class models in a twenty-eight hour love-fest. He is truly a class player, and is fresh from a summers rest. 11/14/15/13 or even 1/2/3 are numbers that could worn on the back of his shirt, and he would still cause problems.
Add Doherty to the mix, and the 3’s will be firing better than the blanks offered by a vasectomy subscriber who wears tight pants, rides a bike two hundred and fifty miles a week and smokes menthol ciggies.
For Irish to compete, then the key areas have to be won. The pack must be mightier than a mighty unit of might loving mightily improved mighties. Line-out ball must be clean and the rewards driven fecking forward. The tackle area must be cleared quickly and ball retained or won, and the backs need to ensure they have the correct fecking hand-eye configuration.
Battle and inject pace, and the Pests have to answer some fecking rock hard questions. Stutter, and death will be quick and painless. Back-row domince will win this fecker!
--Master Scribe