Two Games of Red Handed Fun
London Irish continue their lofty appearances in the Heineken Cup with a fecking challenge up there with doing Anneka Rice. The next two fixtures see them home and away against the solid and fecking dangerous Ulster outfit, with two wins against this mob as likely as Andy Robinson entering the ‘Hall of Fame’ at HQ for his coaching abilities.Ulster, the current Celtic League champions, and former friggin' winners of the European Elite, are in the fecker to win this term. The squad have more than enough experience in this freakin' cup, and have a perfect blend of youth and old feckers to ask rock hard friggin' questions of any opposition they face.
They also have the Ravenhill factor, where they have lost only fecking once in this cup since 1909, the year a star studded London Scottish side fecked them 21-3. Stand up indeed for the Ulstermen, although maybe not at the fecking Madstad where the feckers in yellow jackets may get a wee bit PMS.
The draw has not been kind to the Irish, with this pool containing Toulouse, Llanelli as well as the side from the Northern part of Ireland, but by feck, Kieron Dawson will be fecking happy. He will be dripping more than a horned up fecking teenage wet dreamer at facing LI, and in particular Brian Smith. These two feckers allegedly despise the feck out of each other, the main reason for Dawson heading home at the end of last season.
Fair play to the geezer, as during his time at Sunbury, he gave his fecking all for the cause. A star man and all round good egg and snappy fecking dresser. Come the two games though, feck him and all who sail with him!
The side have been guided by the former Ireland International and winner of this trophy with Ulster in 1999 in the form of Mark McCall. He has pushed his chargers into a far more varied style of rugby with dynamic fat feckers, and fast fecking girls. Having secured the Celtic league last season, this fecker is hungry for more, and who could bet against them?
Ulster currently heads the Celtic league on their defence, although by a mere two points over pool rivals Llanelli, who have two games in hand. This has been achieved even with international players being absent during the Autumn Internationals. Their last outing was a fecking high scoring affair at home to Leinster, the final 6-6 score line having been dictated by friggin' outrageous conditions.
In Pool 5 of the Heineken Cup, the lads have fared a fecking huge sight better than LI after the first two rounds. They kicked off the campaign impressively by fecking mullering Toulouse at Ravenhill, 30-3, and looked odds on for a try bonus point. The failure to land this after dominating the tight, loose and the fecking bar, may very well return to bite their friggin' arse come the business end of the pool stages.
In the second game, a confident Ulster went down fighting away to the Scarlets, with a stirring second period grit that nearly dragged the feckers over the winning line. They did, however, claim the vital bonus point to keep them in the race for the Quarter Finals. McCall will be viewing the next two rounds with fecking wide eyes and would trust his lads to deliver 9 or 10 points.
Two Ulster wins will be the friggin' pundits predictions as well, the lazy twats they are, as they view the form of London Irish both domestically and in the HC. With the injuries that the side have had, a list reminiscent of Schindler's in volume, a few of the lads are on their way back.
The fecking issued at the Cardiff Blues is not a true indication of the squad and the style of play that Brain Smith will be fecking screaming for. A few players got pitch time as part of their recovery, and others got the rest needed. A friggin' rampant LI will take the field on Saturday and will not be there to award the win and points to the Irish fellas from Belfast.
The impressive Stephen Ferris, who will be out for six weeks after an operation on his red hand aside, McCall can select from a fecking bunch of talented players. The pack have started to be noticed for their fecking grunt as well as their ball winning abilities by Eddie O’Sullivan.
Bryan Young is a prime example of this fecking policy shown by EOS, with him touring down under during the summer, as well as getting pitch time during the AIs. The friggin' twenty-five year old loose-head is a fecking fierce competitor who will be in the face of the LI fat feckers all day.
On the other side of the scrum lies another Ireland capped prop in the hideous form of Simon Best, who has the fecking biggest cranium in European rugby. His is the leader of the pack as well as the fecking skipper of this Ulster outfit. With his brother, Rory, at hooker, the province’s front-row will demand a lot of respect from all they face.
With the fecking high volume of Best’s in this squad - a name legendary in Belfast - a game plan of providing gorgeous woman and plenty of booze on Friday in London could well be the order of the day!
In the second row, Justin Harrison, the former Wallaby and third cousin of former Beatle, George, has become a very popular member of the side. This fecker is always up for contact and would be the prime candidate to start a fecking scrap at a WI meeting. The fact he slated Wiggy Healy during the Lions tour of Australia has endeared him to fecking millions of rugby fans though.
Harrison’s partner in crime in the locks comes in the shape of Matt McCullough, a man who has gained four Ireland caps even from the shadow of POC, DOC and MOK. He is a solid performer for Ulster and these two feckers will be a source of irritation during both battles.
For ball winning, security and making valuable fecking ground, Ulster has two flankers to call upon to achieve this aim.
Neil Best is becoming one feck of a blindside with soft hands and big heart. He fights for everything in his peripheral vision like a Rottweiler with his bollocks in a vice, and tends to win most times. He also has speed and the rugby brain to break through the tightest of holes, but not in a homo way.
At openside, well there is the man, Kieron Dawson. London Irish know all about this fecker, who loves the contact and will be chomping like a big brown bag full of chomping things to get at his former team mates. Magne will get his at Ravenhill having served his suspension, I would wager!
With the hugely talented Ferris injured, the blonde bombshell that is Roger Wilson will occupy the 8 slot. This young fecker is dynamic and will get around the paddock all fecking day given the opportunity. His inclusion makes for a pacey back row, and will be the battle to keep an eye on over the next two games.
Ulster have a real solid half-back pairing that will get the girls squealing for the pill, if the forwards secure their own ball and create turnover.
At scrum-half, Isaac Boss is starting to make waves in the Ireland Panel and is being groomed as a perfect replacement for Stringer. This fecker has a lot more to offer than Strings, mind. He is a wee fecking nugget who possesses a good pass off either hand, as well as a good boot. He is also up for the craic of making breaks from behind the pack. Irish need to keep a firm eye on this New Zealand born fecker.
Inside at 10 lies the real Boss, though. The legend and former all time Ireland points scorer (then he was, then former once fecking more), David Humphreys, is still the man. Closer now to fecking forty than to thirty, he still has the ability to control the game for his province through hand, boot or brain or even all the fecking above. Ill discipline from London Irish will be punished severely, but not in a Madame Whiplash fecking way.
In the centres, there is a good blend of skills for the big bash or silky smooth movement required to break opposition defensive systems. Inside centre will be Paddy Wallace, a young fella starting to make a real impact on the game. He is a talented 10 in his own right, but provides excellent kicking options if the aging Humphreys feels the hameys becoming piano wires. This fecker is destined for greatness in the game.
His partner is Paul Steinmetz, a London Irish target a few years back. The one capped All Black is a real piece of work and mixes his game according to the ball provided. He can and will break the line given a sniff, and requires good tackle management, and nothing to do with scrota.
The back three are then the final obstacle to master. Andrew is a Trimble with no political thoughts other than getting the feck over the whitewash for his beloved Ulster. This fecker burns more grass than the DEA given time and space. The real danger man of the Ulster girls unit.
Tommy Bowe on the other wing is another with pace and an eye for the gaps. He is also a fit fecker who will go all day, like a whore with rent due. Bryn Cunningham at full back completes a dynamic three that are all strong in defence, but lethal going forward.
With the likes of Kevin Maggs, Justin Fitzpatrick, Kieran Campbell and Mark Bartholomeusz to come on as reinforcements, Ulster are going to be a tough ask in both matches.
In reality, London Irish could very well bow out of their second HC appearance at the group stages if they receive one loss from the coming two games. For qualification to be stumbled upon, the next four matches need to be claimed and claimed well. The experience at this level of the sides in the pool has made a telling contribution thus far, but lessons would have been learned.
To overcome this strong Ulster side, Irish will need to battle fecking hard in all areas of play, but securing the pill at the breakdown is a real friggin' must. Anything turned over to the rabid Ulster girls will be punished.
Two good performances will go a long way in kick starting a season that has fallen flat. Injuries to the smallest squad in the AG premiership have been a fecking disaster, but the lads are starting to filter back. Compete and the game will be tight at the Madstad, with a win within the capabilities of Smiths side.
--Master Scribe