Champions Sale in Town
Feck me, what competition are we in now, lads? Sale at home in the league squeezed in between EDF Shoite Trophy and the Heineken Cup, all before the Autumn International season; this is just a frigging amazing fixture composition!It’s like a banging joke being told by your missus to your best mates. A laugh wrenching number recited from a piece of freakin’ paper rooted out from deep within her handbag, only to find the punch line missing. The RFU and Premier Rugby being the aforementioned joke telling missus, the players and fans being the deflated, somewhat baffled mates.
Still, after such disruption comes a fecking harder wake up call for Irish than that experienced by the Exiled heroes of Flanders in the shape of champions, Sale Sharks. These feckers have won nine of their last ten games in all competitions, and have mullered the green lads in all bar two matches since 1973!
A year remembered more for the Afro and Roger Moore’s 007 appearance in ‘Live and Let Die’, this was a fine one for London Irish. They won 3-0 in the final of the Raleigh Tomahawk Cup, the lesser trophy to the Raleigh Chopper Cup, but the lads were still well fecking happy.
Two questions are still outstanding from that famous period:
1. Why did Roger Moore make any appearances as 007 when the master, Sean Connery was around?
2. What hold does Sale have over London Irish?
The answer to the second question is that class does reap the rewards, while Moore is just a lucky fecker.
The Sharks have been building up to winning the Championship since 1861 to claim their only major honour (two Bick Biros are just freakin’ milestones), and by feck they were the team last term. Winning fifteen and drawing one of their twenty two Premiership games and topping the table by six points is impressive. Giving the Cheetahs a real mullering at HQ to claim the Pot was just fecking lovely.
Brian Kennedy, the Jock porn star and father of Radio presenter, Sarah, has been banging his way around the North-West of England buying all things Stockport and was a proud sweaty on their big day. He has been fecking screaming to all that had no choice in listening that his rugby side would hit the big time, and by feck he seems to have been right. His next mission is to turn the Sharks into the mightiest of mighty teams in the Kingdom of Might, and who would bet against the well hung skankster?
Under the guidance of former Glaws fella, Philippe Saint-Andre, Sale has a fecking tough underbelly to stomach the Gallic flare he demands. The squad reflects this in all departments, with match winners available from 1-22, and have the skills to play the tactics to suit both opposition and conditions. A big mobile pack incestuously linked skill-wise, greater than a West Country village by the speedy girls.
Apart from a real fecking against Munster in the Heineken Cup at Thomond Park, these Sharks showed friggin’ real bite in all games they played, even when missing their superstars during international weekends. They have started the challenge of retaining a hard crown to defend in a similar vein, all be it after a false start. The so-called revenge encounter on the opening weekend at Welfare Road provided a stern warning that sides are fecking after them with Cheetahs taking a convincing win.
Since then, the Sale Sharks have taken the points over Saints, Warriors and Sorries leaving them nicely positioned in fourth, only fecking four points off the pace. Wins over the Falcons and Quins in the EDF will give the entire squad, management and fans an injection of confidence bordering on friggin’ swagger-tastic.
Even with the loss of Lionel Faure for a couple of months with a broken leg will do little to dent this belief, with eager fat feckers waiting to fill his slot, but not in a homo way. In his absence, a front row containing the strength of Andrew Sheridan and Sebastien Bruno will pose a threat greater than Bin-fecking-Laden!
Lion and England man, Sheridan, having more strength than a Trebor Extra Strong Mint eaten after a Chicken Vindaloo and will have a more than able prop partner in either sweaty capped Barry Stewart or Stuart Turner. The fat boy combo will be bisected by the very capable and fiery French fecker, Bruno.
In the second row, Christian Day, the religious freak from the Blackpool Presbyterian Church Choir, has found himself a place in the 8 due to the absence of Puma, Ignacio Fernandez Lobbe. His partner will almost certainly be the outstanding Chris Jones, a young fecker with a great ability all over the paddock. His versatility in an ability to play in the back-row affords Sale an extra ball winner in contact, but also pace to break through any tight spaces.
Picking the back row trio is a real fecking selection headache which forces Saint-Andre to reach for the Anadin. Jason White, the Scottish skipper and fecking harder than Calculus, is becoming one of the players in World rugby. His tackle count during any given match must be greater than a Roman orgy, and by feck he can also win some ball.
Marcus Lund at openside flanker is another gent that can win ball and friggin’ return it in spades. He is one fast fecker who loves wide open spaces more than an agoraphobic, and is starting to deliver on his potential. Sebastien Chabal may get the nod at 8 to provide a huge volume of grunt from the rear. This man is a fecking man mountain who just loves the contact more than Debbie from Dallas. Juan Fernandez Lobbe, father of Ignacio and signed from Argentinean side Liceo Naval, is another fecking hideous option.
With a pack that will fight like a caged lion with his nuts in a vice, retaining possession will be easier than finding the Holy Grail. Fail and the girls will hurt all-comers.
Richard Wigglesworth at 9 was the man of the match in the Championship Final, and is growing into one feck of a half-back. He is also quick in and around the loose, but has a great ability and awareness in his passing duties. Tongan, Sililo Martens, or the high potential man Ben Foden, are other options for the selection panel who are more than capable of being a real pain in the ass.
Which ever scrummie finds the starting berth, he will have the master of swing inside to load the bullets. Charlie Hodgson, England’s standout fly-half, has it all. Young, weird-ish looking, huge wanger, money and one feck of a rugby repertoire. He is the spark than ignites all things flammable in the Sale attack. He is the artistic genius in all things gaily arty in the Shark’s creative department. Hit him, hit him fecking hard lads, because a fit Charlie with time and space is a killer.
In the centres, Chris Bell, the London Irish summer target from Leeds Tykes, is findings his way into the patterns required of him at his new club. He has been prone to a pubescent fella’s tackle ability at times, but has a real hunger to break defensive lines. The evergreen Welsh boyo, Mark Taylor or Chris Mayor should be the outside fella to partner Bell.
Christ, I am touching cloth, and the back three have not been covered yet. The sprint training at Stockport must be like an Olympic 100m heat!
The born again Christian/International, Jason Robinson is returning to the form that gained him the handle ‘Billy Whiz’, at present. From all parts of the field, this fecker burns more green than Colleen McLoughlin and poses Airbus stats for touchdowns. England is calling, Whizzer!
Another England boy and snappy dresser comes in the bulky shape of Mark Cueto. Defensively tight, but a fecking nightmare for defences with the pill stuffed under the deepest armpit in World rugby. His wing partner will come from a friggin’ Yellow Pages listing under the heading ‘More Fecking Fast Wingers’! Steve Hanley is making his way back to fitness; Barcelona born Oriol Ripol loves nothing more than a Latin two-step; French fecker Daniel Larrechea could slot in at 15, pushing Billy wide.
Feck, I think that’s enough to spark the fear of God in any man.
London Irish, for all the Gareth Gates style stuttering that has been displayed thus far this term, should not lie in fear of this outstanding fecking team. Most of the squad have now had their day in the sun, so the rustiness similar to that found on any Vauxhall Nova is being treated and coated.
The front row will have a Battle of the Bulge type affair, but can gain parity given the real grunt from the lock engine room. Set piece time will be a feisty affair but again a real chance can be had by putting it up Bruno.
The 6-8 fellas will need to be out and out back-rowers with more dark about their arts than Picasso. Winning ball and clearing the tackle area is their trade, and by feck, they need to gain at least diplomas come Sunday afternoon.
The girls will be able to match up man for man, with creativity, speed and more wit than Jim Davison the requirement. Any combination can deliver this, with the softer centre of the Sharks the target.
Tough ask, and form firmly oop North, but a game to get the Brian Smith show on the road. Kick the kicks, make the tackles and Irish can cause an upset.
--Master Scribe