Pimm’s Swillers Back For Guinness
Well, that was one feck of a long summer, stuffed full of kiss-ball and England’s extension to forty friggin’ years of rightfully-vomit-inducing hurt. You can now pack all that shoite into a big brown bag marked ‘Thank Feck its Over’ in alternatively coloured letters. Then that bag can be placed into a custom made Glad-Loc-Zipper bag and hidden in the recycle bin.Rugby is back, and praise the Lord, Buddha or any other good religious icons that freakin’ float your boat. It is going to be a belter, you can all rest assured in this knowledge, for the Worlds toughest league.
To kick all this off, the RFU coffers will be swelled by another season of the ‘London Double Header’ at Twickers. Another chance for two sides to lose their home advantage, in exchange for playing on the hallowed turf of HQ in front of 40,000 fans. London Irish’s opponents even took a fecking dive to ensure they didn’t give a homer away for last season!
It is the perfect stage for Harlequins to re-take their rightful place at the Premier table, having suffered the indignity of dropping down a peg for a brief stay in the National League. They will return a harder bunch of feckers, but having made great friends with the Div 1 lads during the 2005/06 season.
Players, management and supporters alike, took their medicine and went to places like Sedgley Park with heads high and crowd numbers swelled. They only lost one of their twenty-six games, scored over a thousand points on their way to claiming the title by twenty-one points over Bedford. Fair fecking play to the multi-coloured beggars.
There has been only one alleged incident for this demise in club status for the Quins, when an apparent season-ticket holder held the Republic of Ireland’s footie manager at gunpoint in Dublin a few weeks back. Wrong fecking Staunton, tosser!
The Jester-trouser wearing, Pimm’s swilling feckers can now look forward to the challenge of retaining their place in the Guinness Premiership, with new players, season ticket holders and a stand more spanking than a Madame Whiplash party at the House of Lords.
Dean Richards, son of Keith, the Rolling Stones aging guitarist, and also the father of Peter, the Gloucester scrum-half, will be up for this season. Having steered the side through the mean streets of the National League after his return from exile in Grenoble, he will be licking his lips at the sides awaiting his wrath, more than a fecking horned-up Labrador set lose at Crufts.
As a player, the man achieved more medals than a Somme veteran with his beloved Tigers, as well as forty-eight England and six Lions caps. As a coach, he has won everything, bar the church raffle, before being shown the door at Leicester. His knowledge and experience at this level should ensure that the Mighty Quins stay the feck in the league, and may even pose a threat on the top six.
However, the fixtures secretary at the Premier League has had a right fecking laugh at helping them back to the big time. Their first four fixtures see them face four of the top five from the last campaign, with Irish, Glaws, Pests and the Cheetahs standing in the way of a perfect 100% start. A tall order, but a challenge that the side from just outside London, i.e. Middlesex, will be ready for, having played thirty plus warm up games in the past twelve months. To feel the rise to a level of freaking intensity, all sides must be exposed to the bigger teams early. Perfect then.
All sides in the league know the importance of having a good pack, and Harlequins have been seeking ways to strength this area. The front row has had the sad retirement due to injury of Mike Worsley; a great man.
Tani Fuga and Jimmy Richards may well be battling for the hooker slot and both will provide an edge in any conflict. Ceri Jones and Ricky Nebbett will be the probable fat fecker combo, with Mike Ross from Cork and Peter Cook signed for depth. The front-row will have a real fecking fight in every game this season, and this important area needs to be sorted quickly or more powerful packs will be binding, safe in the knowledge that they can put huge pressure on.
The second row resources have been added to by the signing of Nicolas Spanghero from Castres to provide the engine to the pack. The name Spanghero derives from the Viking days of invading Scotland, although it was originally Spa-ng, meaning ‘Water Lad’. This tag was applied to the young lads that carried water for the big fecking raping, pillaging, horned head warriors.
After the siege of Burntisland in the kingdom of Fife, one of these little feckers saved the King from certain death by using his bladder as a weapon, no mean feat I fecking tell ya! The King added the tag ‘Herrrov’ to the name, shorten later to hero. Their fighting spirit is legendary, as must Nicolas be this season. Simon Mill and Olly Kohn from Bristol are two important locks who will give the Quins a lot of ball and drive.
The back-row will be a collection of feckers that will ask really rock hard questions of all that they cross. With Deano giving Saintly advise on the dark arts, a feisty set of ‘US Most Wanted’ look-alikes will be the order of play. Another Castres signing, Paul Volley has arrived to assume the captains title, and by feck, he will demand a shoite load from his pack. The former Pest is a friggin’ battle hardened man who will challenge for everything on the deck.
Andre Vos will always give blood, teeth and the odd testicle for the Quins cause; he will provide an edge in contact. Will Skinner, a signing from the Cheetahs, is yet another shrewd signing. He will add more impact and go-forward when on the field of play. Add Nick Easter to the mix, and the parties bullies have just arrived. This will be a real key area for the league “newbies” in securing ball.
The Mighty Quins will be looking to be on attack from all parts of the paddock to aid their battle to gain a solid league position. In all aspects of their fecking girls, they certainly have the personnel to employ this tactic.
If their pack can win ball, then the half-backs will fecking get the lads rolling. The signing of Danny Care from Leeds Tykes is an exciting one for any side. If he is given the nod over the steady, but at times, ineffectual Steve So’oialo, this could be the signing of the freaking season. A pacey 9 with a natural rugby brain would get any side moving from the loose.
Inside him lies the legend that is Andrew Mehrtens. The former Crusader and All-Black came to the side after they had been relegated, but stayed put with the be-leagued Quins, choosing to help them in their plight. He even offered to become South African to help with Kolpak numbers, but failed the initiation on a technicality while undertaking ‘Dance of the flaming Assholes’. It is alleged that Schalk Berger had tampered with the bog-roll, introducing lighter fuel to the challenge. He was unable to perform the ritual on a re-try as his ring had taken a real battering, but not in a homo way.
Mehrtens is a gifted player and will revel in the knowledge that Stuart Abbott can be found in attempts to break any defence. Abbott has been the highest profiled player to make his way into wearing the colours of the Quins after his summer move from the fecking Pests. So under-capped by England, that even the Laughing Old Dude chokes a chortle when his name is mentioned, he will be a huge influence on the attacking style of this side.
With Will Carling and Greenwood now retired, Hal Luscombe, the capped Welshman signed from Newport Gwent Dragons, may well be the partner of Abbott. He is fast and determined, who has also played on the wing for Wales, giving a different style through the mid-field.
The back three will also provide the Quins with pace and power, if and when the international class players inside can get ball to them. Ugo Monye scored approximately two hundred and forty tries last season with his speed and guile, and will definitely cause problems for the opposition this season.
George Harder, sought by fecking Barf and others last season, also stayed and powered in displays all over the league. He is a real tough fecker who loves huge tackles, as well as crossing the whitewash. Gavin Duffy, still warming the bench for Ireland, will provide options at centre and full-back, but will be an influence in both slots.
Tom Williams and Simon Keogh are two other feckers with pace to burn who can be played in the threes without any effect on the shape to the play.
This will be a hard match for the Irish, no matter what pundits and supporters say. A one game pre-season may well result in the lads displaying skills not quite battle ready, although at Leinster, the final thirty minutes proved to be more fluid.
The injuries in the front row will only help the ‘visitors’ gain more of a foothold in the match early on, although Hudson/Kennedy/Casey in the second row should be more than a handful at the set-piece.
The Irish back-rowers will have a battle royale, but again, the likes of Magne/ Leguizamon/McCullen/Murphy et all should just about edge it.
The half-back combo’s will be an interesting area, with Hodgson and Flutey up against a real quality Quins team, and as for the centres, well, feck me. The back three selections will prove to be the game breaker, and whichever team can get real width on their play will take the spoils.
So, the scene is now set and ready for another quality season in the Guinness Premiership. Fasten your seatbelts lads; this is going to get ugly!
--Master Scribe