Heineken Cup Rugby for Irish!
Well, here we fecking go then lads, what the club game is all about! The Heineken Cup (or H Cup for those fecking French) is the goal of all coaches, players and supporters that have an ounce of passion in viewing the greatest game on this fine fecking earth.With the qualification delivered and the draw undertaken, now the lads in green can get the hell on with the matches, and by feck the fare is chunky. London Irish have been very fortunate in getting themselves into by far the easiest freakin’ group of them all!
The supporters all wanted a trip to Ireland, well, how about previous European kings and current Celtic League Champs, Ulster?
‘Oh, and give us a fecking tour of France’ was the call, so Toulouse, winners of this thing three times is sure to be a hoot.
Ah, now for the easy fourth whipping (yeah, right), the strongest Welsh team in the history of the Heineken Cup in the fecking huge form of Llanelli Scarlets.
Okay so, that is the group we landed, and I for one wouldn’t have it any other way. Some great rugby trips will be there for all those to see and feel, and the experience of top flight European rugby will be had.
On Friday night it all starts for Irish with their first ever Friday Night match at The Madstad and only their fourth home game in the Cup. Due to some fecking kiss-ball team playing a home game against Arsenal, live on Sky, the lodgers had to move the friggin’ game!
The visitors for this Irish historical fixture are Welsh side, Llanelli Scarlets, a team with more history than America and more medals than Field Marshall Montgomery.
Chroesawa pawb 'ch ddynion a benyw chan Llanelli.
Translated back to English having gone the other way first, means: ‘I welcome everyone dogs men I go female with Llanelli’ from the original ‘Welcome every man and woman of Llanelli! Still, there you fecking go. The wonders of Babelfish.
Llanelli have an excellent record in Europe’s premier club rugby competition, short of winning the freaking thing. In their ten years of being in the fecker, they have made the last eight on six occasions, and the Semi’s twice. The last step into rugby greatness has been fecked both times by narrow defeats to two English sides, Saints and Cheetahs, who both went the feck on to win the damned thing.
The Welsh fellas from Stradey Park were formed as one of five regional sides that were created in 2003 after the national side continued to nose-dive in performance, even dropping below fecking Scotland in the international pecking order. The sides represented by this foundation are Llanelli RFC, Carmarthen RFC, Llandovery RFC and Narberth RFC, but the Llanelli name and history is the dominate force.
They are the team that covers the West and North of Wales geographically, and by feck, they have unearthed some raw talent in Newtown, Powys, the lucky feckers. Still, under the tag Llanelli Scarlets, the side have secured the Celtic League, in 2004, so in their short history, have won the same fecking volume of trophies as their hosts on Friday.
This is a side renowned and some say fecking wrongly, for its forward dominance, with some right headbangers playing in the fat feckers. Scott Quinnell is a prime example of having that mighty chunk-a-burning love in the eight. He had the rare ability to make things spicier than a Saturday night curry, and a presence to make said curry de-brief instantly rather than the following morning.
Still, with fecking World legends having donned the scarlet shirt in the past, an attacking flare has been seen. Barry John, Phil Bennett, J J Williams and Ieuan Evans are but a few that would like to take the backs argument outside, as if you fecking would!
The feeling in Wales is that this squad are rammed with a hard edge and pace to burn any track in the girls. Given the leash, then this side will demand more watching than season four of ‘24’, with even Jack Bauer shying away from these rugby terrorists.
They have started the Magners League campaign with a real belief and determination, taking four wins from the five games played to date, five fecking points adrift of Ulster with two games in hand.
In the EDF, they have taken Quins to the cleaners, but did stutter to an away day surprise at the Falcons. These games have afforded the Scarlets the opportunity to rotate the squad men and give all the feckers a lash on the paddock. The rotation should cease, now a real fecking competition starts.
With this run of results, the Welsh side should get the nod from the fecking bookies. On paper, there are real battles to be had and won all over the field of play that will decide this fecker on the night.
The front row should be a real lardy slapping session with some big lads from both sides. Welsh capped Iestyn Thomas and Kiwi wee man Craig Dunlea, should form the prop partnership for this fixture. Ugly feckers, but they are guaranteed not to take one step backwards in contact, set-piece or conflict.
Matthew Rees will be the unfortunate hooker that will slide gracefully between these two bruisers come scrum time. He is a man that is getting his game together and getting himself around the paddock.
In the engine room of the second row will lay two frigging hideous creatures that could start a fight at a Tupperware party. Vernon Cooper is a real nugget when going forward, but also loves the contact as much as a Swedish orgy. His partner is in the former of Tongan, Inoke Afeaki, a solid lock with a taste for banging in the tackle, but not in a homo way. His name is derived from the Pacific Islands meaning ‘Ino-ke’; ‘Huge’ and ‘Ball-Bag’, a term used for only the feisty feckers.
The back row for Llanelli, form a trio to get right under the fecking skins of the opposition and ref, when undertaking the art of dark. Both flankers get friggin’ deep down and dirty with no fear of the rucking boots, or leaving hands on the pill. In Simon Easterby the visitors have a skipper that will fight for all scrapes and for the cause. Gavin Thomas has pace from the breakdown that needs to be held in check.
Alix Popham at 8, a former Tyke, is a fine man in tight games and fecks the gain line with ball in hand. These feckers are there to win quick ball, clear the tackle area and turnover the pill when given a sniff. Every ruck will be contended in an attempt to get the friggin’ girls quick possession.
If the forwards hit their targets, then class awaits the spoils of their hard graft. At 9, Dwayne Peel, the Welsh love-child of the recently earth departed radio presenter, John Peel, is one feck of a rugby fella. He will be searching out holes like a gynaecologist to make his trademark breaks from loose ball, but he has the distribution from both hands that creates time for the receiver.
Inside this class performer is the returned hero, Stephen Jones, after his stint in France with Clermont Auvergne. He has returned a far better fecking rugby player, having added an attacking side to his repertoire. His boot is legendary, but now the fecker likes to play the ‘chaos’ line, right on the edge, to try and pop passes through to onrushing attackers. A world class player who needs to be hit hard at every turn.
The centre pairing of Gavin Evans and former All Black Regan King will be itching like a crab infested groin area to break the defensive lines with pace and skill. Both provide a tough midfield defensive line that stops most and allows the back rowers in for the steal.
In the back three, the Scarlets have options with speed to put the tries away given space. In the ageless Dafydd James, they have a winger that has exceptional ability in both defence and attack, with very little getting passed this fecker. He is also still the highest try-scorer in Heineken Cup history.
Mark Jones on the other wing has a fecking outrageous turn of pace in tight areas and is back to a class act after a career threatening injury. Barry Davies should get the nod at full back and is a guy that finds great lines when coming forward as well as possessing one feck of a boot when required.
Irish have been hit badly by injuries in key areas and have had a mere five days recovery since the humbling by the class of Sale on Sunday. Most punters would have them as the weakest of a friggin’ hard group, so will be tipped to get a few mullerings.
This is how the lads like it though; written off as shoite with little chance of a win, let alone making the Quarters. The last 8 will be beyond them, but there are teams in for a real fight.
The pack will be a match for the visitors, and may gain a slight advantage at the line-out. If this is the deal, then the forward unit must show more friggin’ grunt in the maul. The back row will have a feisty contest in all areas of play. The tackle area needs to be more secure and turnover volume increased.
The girls will match up nicely for this one, and can reap havoc in the pace stakes. Defensively, to a man, not a missed tackle can be had against this quick and decisive attacking set of backs.
Most are still feeling fecked off after the last outing, but Sale on that day would have mullered all comers. Friday is another day, which can deliver a win, even if all punters lean the fecking Welsh way.
-- Master Scribe