Friday Night Reading Trip for Shed on Tour
The first ever freaking Friday night premiership match at the Madstad, and by feck, the visitors will be fiercely hard to beat. Irish doubled the feckers last term, but Glaws took the shiny thing at The Stoop come Cup Final time. And in the past it must remain.Gloucester Rugby now make their way to Thames Valley from the West Country, top of the fecking league, unbeaten and sniffing a win more than a glue-sniffing teenager with a Tesco’s bag wrapped around his head. The travelling masses of the ‘Shed on Tour’ bring colour and a chant containing more syllables than Bath, delivered in a far more manly way. They also bring with them women with the biggest breasts in the premiership.
This is what this league is all about. Real fans getting together on a Friday night for a beer, blether and a match up of their two teams to get the man muscle twitching, all in amongst huge breasts.
The Cherry and Whites (still hate the shirt) will be the favourites after a start to the season in the premiership that would have any Catholic shouting ‘holy fecking hallelujah’ all week long. Six down, five won, one draw and sat on top of the friggin’ pile.
After the seasons both sides put in last term, both were considered as Lloyds Bank horses for 2006/7. Irish may be struggling, but the Glaws lads are having a real fecking go at the so called big clubs by mullering one and all. The similarity between the two sides, apart from being hated by ‘cakeboy’ Barnes, has pretty much been fecking stopped after last season.
Dean Ryan had one feck of a summer, clearing out the old and bringing in bigger and better to replace those given the elbow. Henry Paul finally admitted he couldn’t cut it in the real fecking code and went to the Hairy Quins RL side, while Marcel Garvey’s confrontation with the DOR ended predictably in Ryan’s favour with Garvey fecking off up the M5 to Sixways.
Next, the fecking Pests, hearing that a car boot sale was happening at Kingsholm, popped their freakin’ huge beaks in and took Phil Vickery and Simon Amor to Adams Park, releasing a huge slice of Salary Cap pie for Ryan to go bulimic over.
The only real Love Story-esque departure was in the shape of the huge fecking afro on top of Terry Fanolua. Fanolua went to Brive after a ‘reet’ lovely stay at Glaws, while the afro was another signing by the Pests as cover for Day-glo.
Happy with the young studs in the girls, Dean set about giving the forwards a Trinny and Susannah make-over, and the ying to their yang has been truly made. What a fecking hideous butch of friggin’ nutters he found. The places he met these feckers to negotiate a deal must re-occur in Andy McNab’s nightmares!
In the front row has come the square-jawed French capped fella in the form of Christian Califano, with a scrum hungry Italian called Carlos Nieto making his way from Viadana. Tony Soprano would not even entertain messing with this fecker.
Another Italian also made his way to the West Country and what a fecking catch. The national skipper, twenty four years of age and one feck of a lock called Marco Bortolami. I bet that Prezzo’s in Gloucester will steer clear of ‘All you can fecking eat’ nights with these two chunks of Italian beef around.
At half-back, Rory Lawson, the Scottish Under 21 skipper, arrived from Edinburgh, along with Willie Walker, the former Highlander from Japan, to give cover for Peter Richards and Ryan Lamb.
Finally, Iain Balshaw, a talented fullback some would say, arrived having reviewed life in the National leagues with Leeds as a ‘feck that’ career move. Clive Woodward’s love-child has more weak points to injure than Achilles, so will be hoping for regular rugby with a team going forward.
Although London Irish will be affected by the Autumn International matches with Pacific Islands and Puma caps to be awarded to a few of our finest, Glaws will be feeling the pinch that bit more. I am sure the one-eyed feckers from the Shed will never mention this if Irish pull a shock.
Bortolami and Nieto will be in Rome plying their respective trades against the Aussies, while the exciting Anthony Allen, Peter Richards and Balshaw take on Leguizamon and Tiesi at HQ. Add the shocker of an injury list, the size of which has not been seen since the Somme, and selection becomes a headache that Hedex cannot resolve.
Out at present are the likes of England man, James Forrester, the under capped fecker, Andy Hazel and Alex Brown, the vastly improved lock, and that’s just to name a few.
Hmm, maybe a hint of fecking light for the Irish. The very thoughts of fecking Sorries last week, I fear!
Bar the two Italians, Glaws selection panel have the squad from last week available to them, with some mighty cover to call upon.
In the front row, the cupboard is sparse to say the least. With Nieto and Christian Califano out of play, Nick Wood and Patrice Collazo are the senior squad fat-feckers available, although Ollie Azam can play prop (but don’t fecking tell the Cheetahs!!). Jack Forster and Terry Sigley, if fit, should definitely bring their boots on Friday!
At hooker stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade, who carries the reminders of every slap that ever was made. Mefin Davies is the Welsh boy that demands a lot of looking after in the loose, as well as the fecking bar.
In the second row, a partner for the local lad turned good, Adam Eustace, will need to be found and sharpish. Jonathon Pendlebury would be the likely selection with game time under his belt, with Will James another likely candidate. The pairing will be a fecking spikey combo, but certainly an area for Irish to target.
The back row has felt the injuries most, with two of the leagues best out for a long period of time. Even Jake Boer is struggling to fecking shake off an injury to claim a start against his former employers. This will still leave a bunch of fecking reprobates to deal with in and around the fringes.
Peter Buxton has been ever present in the Glaws surge this season, and will again take the field. This fecker is a real fecking nightmare to get a grip of, and will ensure that all ball in contact is fought for. Luke Narraway is a young fecker who is happy with ball in hand, and has been learning the dark arts of 7 from an excellent source in the form of Hazel (Tump End Tosser knows his fecking mum!). With Adam Balding, the former Cheetah, at 8, Glaws have a real edge at contact.
The half back pairing, with an average age of 15, will be demanding ball from their fat feckers, and will demand it clean. If provided, then these two will get the fast girls burning more grass than Bob Dylan.
Rory Lawson at scrummie is a fine prospect for both Scotland and Gloucester, learning his trade under his Redpath idol. The former Gunner is not phased by the premiership, and possesses a good pass and rugby brain. Haydn Thomas is a more than worthy fecker from the bench to maintain the shape when asked.
Ryan Lamb will be inside him, well at least for and hour before Ludo seems to be given the head, but not in a homo way. Lamb is the real deal at the tender age of twenty, with the ability to unlock any defensive pattern. He owns a matching pairing of soft hands, and the great ability with matching boot. Baby-sitter required for this young pup. I’d love to see Murphy with Lamb on his chops.
In the centres lies the beauty and beast partnership required to make hard yards as well as the Gucci fecking line-splitting runs. Rudi Keil on the inside is a no nonsense South African with a real want for contact. He is quick and will break through if the tackle fails to pin the fecker down.
Jack Adams is yet another young gun making great strides in the professional game. A born finisher when given room, this fecker is a huge ginger running machine with ball in hand. Like Keil, he too loves the contact and both will provide as stern a test to get past as has been seen by the Irish so far this season.
The back three are becoming as inter-changeable as the awesome Star Wars Lego set. With injuries and call ups come more feckers to run the Be-Jesus out of any fecking team. James Simpson-Daniel, or Sinbad as he affectionately known, has come back from injury and ready to give it to some fecker. He is a real master of the open rugby that Glaws are attempting to play, but has also shown huge progress in the defensive tool of his game. A real gem that needs it up him early.
James Bailey, grandson of the famous photographer David, on the other wing, also provides that fecking pace that you just cannot coach. Pace wins games, and by feck these two have it in spades. Bailey’s game is improving with every season, and he will ask rock hard questions that will need Professor level answers. With Rob Thirlby, another fast chunk, chomping more at the bit than a fecking huge brown bag full of chomping things; options are available.
Willie Walker, no relation to the chocolate factory owner, in the fullback slot is a real rugby man who will provide guidance to the fellas around him. Has played Super 12 rugby, which has given him the temperament to make an impact from wherever he plays.
London Irish, fresh off the battle field at the Wreck, showed real character to come back and beat an average Bath side last Saturday. In truth, the rugby served up should have come with a Government health warning, although the better of the two poor sides took the spoils. This is not the style or quality that Irish have in their Arsenal.
Steps forward are required and wins make the difference to both league position and fecking confidence. With Glaws rubbed raw of their first choice talent through various means and foul measures, Irish have a real chance to grab a fecking home win, not seen in the league since … forever!
The forwards have the ability to get at the opposition and win ball. Securing ball is a must, as broken rugby will kill the exiles. The girls are over the ‘meet and greet’ phase and can forge attacking options with solid ball.
The talent is there across the whole squad. It’s time to take the chance against a side that are very much there for the beating.
--Master Scribe