Bank Holiday Battle of Wycombe
A local derby and probably the biggest game for the Irish, as opposed to their M4 neighbours, in their friggin’ history. Still, it would be nice to feck them Pests!Sky have shown they believe this game to be as big as God himself, by bringing it to the land of Sky-viewers; all be it at a shoite time of 11:30 pm.
Heineken Cup rugby, the pre-season aim, has been secured after victory over Lord Squeaky-fecker from the Whingedom of Squeak in the second tier European competition, but now, feck, something huge may be delivered.
With two to play, the play-off shake-up is happening, proceeding down the line of a roller coaster, just like life and let’s not try to hide it. London Irish, by some quirk of luck, a damned good coaching set-up and eleven fecking wins, have become as caught up in the season conclusion as crabs in the pubic region of the human anatomy.
The Pests, God love them, have not reached their predictable end of season orgasm rush and will need to win their final two clashes to have a chance of securing a home berth for the Premiership semi. They are notorious for twatting the straps come this time of year, both in fitness and mullering of the opposition.
The recent form of these fellas has been as consistent as random thoughts that are thought of when attempting to concentrate on thought patterns.
Drawn games with Saints at home and Brizzle away were the delivery for February. March sprung with more ups and downs than a seventies porn movie-fest, held over a weekend to celebrate superb acting and music. Sale came to the Causeway and left minus points, and Chabal was jailed for two weeks at Wycombe nick for stamping and spitting. Then, Leicester Cheater-feckers got lobbed out of the PowerGen Cup in Cardiff by a feisty Pest display.
On to them boo-boy Warriors and a game to get the Champs back on track, a track which turned out to be more Scalectrix in its make-up as the Pests got a fecking. The Tykes reaped the rewards of this embarrassment by getting nilled and more mullered than a bag of things mullered, moving Wasps back to the right end of the play-off seedings.
Having claimed a deserved PowerGen Cup victory over the Scarlets, their last two league games have now placed the Pests into a position they have never been in; that of failing to reach second in the League before proceeding, via a home tie, to HQ to give the next team of pretenders a real doing in the Final.
The Sarries saved their fecking sorrie asses with a win at Vic Road, before Tigers and Wasps squared up to catch up the game in hand last weekend. In truth, after a Varndell master class in the first period, London Wasps will curse their misses in a game they could have bagged. The conclusion was a narrow one point defeat and relegation to third in the AG premiership. London Wasps will be fighting history, as the last time they lost three in a row, war was declared on Nazi Germany, although it is still unclear if the two events were indeed connected.
Irish will now try and win against the more fancied London Not-Nots, a feat not posted since 1927. This was the same year that Charles Lindbergh flew non-stop from New York to Paris, but also when skipper Bill Morgan crashed over for LI at Motspur Park to win the game 6-0. The laughing old dude was there and has fine memories of this historical win. Come Sunday at midnight, the current fans want to feel his love too.
The Pests will come into this match ready to do battle knowing their season now depends on a positive result, and with this squad, must be the more fancied side to do it.
Selection headaches for Ian McGeechan in key positions are more down to form than injuries. He will have a squad with more Queens Honours than the 1st Battalion, The Argyle and Southern Highlands, as England World Cup winners are scattered throughout.
The fat feckers of the pack are huge friggin’ men with a will to fight more than Siamese fighting fish with an eye on a stickle-back. Their front row typifies this in its strength and passion.
Craig Dowd, the fecking awesome AB prop of yesteryear, has been giving these lads a real doing on the training paddock. They will not back down - feckers they are.
Tim Payne is now the senior fat lad and is feisty in the extreme, but has a willing partner at tighthead in the form of Irishman, Peter Bracken. French fecker, Raphael Ibanez will be a likely starter at hooker to provide the go-forward in the loose.
In the second row, Richard Birkett and Simon Shaw will give a real test to the Irish combo. Both are strong feckers in this chunky partnership with a real eye for the contact, although it has been a major operation in getting Shaw airborne come line-out time. Securing the opposition ball at the set-piece is a real must for the visitors on Sunday, so a Battle of the Bulge affair will be the result.
The effectiveness of the back row has been weakened slightly with the injuries to Ireland’s Jonny O’Connor and England’s U21 skipper, Tom Rees. O’Connor has thankfully been declared clear of long term affects after having his spine reduced to the size of five young-olds. This was caused during the PowerGen Cup Final by running headlong into the fecking solid Alex Popham.
Still, with Joe Worsley and Lawrence Dallaglio there to compete for all things available, the blindside inclusion will have world-class company. James Haskell, a young fella who has represented England at all age groups from U4s, has been in and shown glimpses of his potential.
Dallaglio, the skipper and all round fecking speaker of all things happening on the park, will lead this side from the off. He does go the feck on. Jesus! He is tough, a born leader of men and bully of refs, so Irish will be happy with the appointment of Spreadbury for Sunday.
Former Munster lad, Eoin Reddan at scrum-half is fast becoming the real deal as far as Irelands ‘9’ shirt is concerned. He has had a fecking great season for the Pests showing pace and skills required to get the class girls going. He and Hodgson are going to have a friggin’ major battle in this match, as both seem similar in application and desire. Both are willing to grab the big tackle, but not in a homo way.
Gobby Dawson will not be there as retirement has caught up on him. A real shame for one of Irish fans’ fecking favourites, especially as memories of him for Saints in the cup final and beating his own men come flooding back.
Inside the Irish wee man, the selection is open to various discussions of late, with the point’s machine and steady influencing skills of Alex King against those of Jeremy Staunton. Both can turn games, but Alex King has been doing it fecking longer and in bigger games with little bottle loss. Staunton’s last kick at goal during season 04/05 condemned the Hairy-feckers to ND1, nuff said, but a real hero for his failing.
The girls are where the action is for the Pests, but not in a dykey way. Throughout, they have line-breakers and game winners from first phase.
The centres offer the soon to be Quin, Stuart Abbott and world class performer and wannabe LI (ummm) Josh Lewsey. Both are quick and possess a sublime skill of natural rugby talent, with Abbott having a real creative streak to unlock defences. Lewsey is just awesome in all aspects of centre-ship, with the ability to break defences at will; serious concerns for Catt and Tiesi to keep these feckers quiet.
The big fecker Ayoola Erinle is also available and always makes a fecking huge impact when coming off the bench.
The Back three is also very dangerous with ball in hand and all part of the England training system. Paul Sackey, former Irish hero, now distant memory, has bulked up at Wasps by around thirty pounds, but has bagged seven tries this season. Tom Voyce is a real fecking nightmare to tackle and always seems to make yards, as well as scoring tries clinically.
Both these wingers are back-upped well by former foreign fecker, now Englishman Mark Van Gisbergen.
Up front, it would appear that parity might reign. Both sides have a tremendous showing come scrum time, as well as a few with Honours Degrees in the dark arts. Dallaglio and Magne will be bending more laws than Dick Turpin for their sides throughout the early evening, presenting a real pain towards Spreaders.
The backs are going to be the decision-makers come the final whistle. The creativity, pace and willing runners will be a joy to behold, especially if the Irish back three can nick it.
A hard one to call, but a game worth going to. If Irish fall off the pace and fitness in the last quarter, like they have of late, the pests will sting them.
This will be a fecking awesome derby and a result will be posted to shape the season conclusion.
-- Master Scribe