Leeds the Exiles to the Promise Land
After a very cold and fecking hideous attempt at a rugby match last weekend, it will be nice to get back home and start all over again. This game is worth a freaking huge amount for both sides, but for as contrasting reasons as Halle Berry and Pete Burns in the fit bird stakes.London Irish are chasing a possibility of a play-off slot and HC qualification, while Leeds Tykes aim to survive against odds bigger than Lord Lucan riding Shergar to the 2010 Grand National at Aintree.
Their survival now depends on that fecker Lord Squeaky of Whingedom leading his pigeons to bonus pointless defeats while Leeds pick up eleven points. If they can win their next two and Newcastle fail to gain any points, then one hell of a conclusion to the season will be staged at Kingston Park on 6th May. Falcons v Tykes, winner taking all, could well be the mission if the Yorkshire lads pull their finger out and close off games they are leading.
The Falcons have Sale at home and a real tricky fecker to Sixways, so will be looking over their shoulder like a rent boy with a trick until the supposed Fat Lady warbles at The Leeds Civic Hall.
Phil Davies, as the DOR, is still very much in a positive mood as he prepares for the visit to Reading, knowing a fecking will end their stay at the RFU top table. And why not? His side have flattered to deceive during most of the season, but have the players to give it a real friggin’ lash. His rally call before the three remaining games will need to Braveheart-esque to freedom from them southern RFU feckers.
The highs of the previous campaign, where an outrageous winning run with attacking rugby being their weapon of choice, delivered survival, PowerGen Cup glory and HC qualification. Rob Andrew can feck off with his ‘Relegation means negative rugby’ bollocks, as the Tykes showed last term.
After their run in and shiny thing in the cabinet, those faithful fans with a weird accent and love of whippets must have been looking forward to the new season. Then it went south, as did their opening home game. The sacrifice of playing that fixture at HQ against the Irish netted a profit, but also delivered a real dicking.
Not the best of starts, and worse was to happen thereafter. Six more defeats before a win against Saints left the Tykes firmly bottom and dreaming of better things. It has been a battle since then.
Luck has not been a lady on any night in Headingly of late, with Leeds falling the wrong side of closely fought contests. Saints with the last kick of the match; Sharks down in stoppage time before victory was claimed, and them fecking Cheetahs dotting down a winning try with the last play tend to show that.
Wins over Brizzle, Wuss and the now banker of four points over Barf have given hope, all be it as slim as Victoria Beckham after twelve weeks on the Atkins diet.
Then them fecking Pests nilled them at the Causeway before the huge game against Sorries also ended in a major disappointment. A real minging friday night, with rain to give Noah a hard-on, did not allow the Tykes to play their brand of attacking rugby.
Defensively, the Tykes have been found wanting come big tackle time, with the worst try count in the ‘Against’ column with forty-seven in nineteen games. This has been the real killer when wins are required, and then the friggin’ opposition dot down the five-pointer. With a mere twenty-eight tries scored, which does in fact better Brizzle and the Falcons, chasing of games has been as wasted as Fatty Barnes in high heels playing catch up with Iain Balshaw MBE over sixty metres.
So, what to expect from the fighting Tykes?
They will come to Reading to give this a real lash. Every fecker has written them off as National League members next season, so will have nothing to lose. They also have a fair few players that are experienced internationals who will be hurting like a zippered penis at their current plight and will be fighting for respect and, above all, a chance of a historical escape.
A front row three that can comprise of Namibian Kees Lensing, sweaty Lion Gordon Bulloch and Springbok Rayno Gerber will be feisty and love the contact. These guys will be a handful for any Irish combination and must be battered back at every fecking opportunity. Mike Shelly, Gavin Kerr and Rob Rawlinson will hope to either start or impact the game.
Stuart Hooper and Tom Palmer form a huge combatant lock posse when up for the task, but tend to rely on quality of the throw from Bulloch. The back row are another bunch of feckers when they are looking to compete, and will win ball if given a chance.
The Welsh man, Nathan Thomas, has huge volume of game time at the highest level under his belt and will give it a real friggin’ lash. Dan Hyde is a Yorkshire boy with heart, and Richard Parks, the Valley fecker fresh from a red at the Pests, will be mobile and create work for the home side.
It is a shame that Ratty Reid, the Springbok Jock, will be unavailable for the trip after his efforts for the Irish in gaining survival last season. He has had only the two outings thus far after his horrific injury.
The “girls” is where the action is, or at least should be. The huge talent of Justin Marshall has been trying to get as clique as the Wuss sportsnetwork site in getting the lads working, but has failed as an experiment on occasions. His game has not quite been on the same thought pattern as his mates.
This man nearly won the Cheetahs game on his own, winning his first and only Leeds try and will be giving it lally to get the girls working.
Inside him is Gordon Ross, the Jock who must be feeling like shoite to have that fecker Dan Parks ahead of him for the starting jersey for Scotland. On his day, he can be as dynamic as a big bag of things that reek of being dynamic; will get the points if given a sniff, but can also be tricky if space is gifted.
The two Chris combination in the form of Jones and Bell are itching like a crabs-infested dyke to get a hole to bang into, but not in a homo way. Both are electric with ball in hand, but will not shirk their tackle count accumulation when pressed.
The back three has welcomed back the Balshaw to try and give the defence a bit of oomph; unlocking a seasoned locksmith in the attempt to up the try count. This is a real boost for Leeds and he will have two willing wingers to help stretch any defence.
Andre Snyman, who will be returning to his native South Africa at the end of the season, has bagged four tries in the league this season and will want more. Tom Biggs, the grandson of train robbing Ronnie, is as exciting as a blow job at 120mph while driving a Ferrari. He has real pace and is always looking to attack as his six tries thus far can prove.
Brian Smith must not be under any delusions about the size of this task. Leeds has the players, and also the fight to get this fecker won. Irish, with serious injury worries, will need to front up and battle for everything worth getting hands to.
Two wins from the three remaining should be enough to claim the top four slot. Maybe the Pests away and Sorries at home would be the best fecking way. A Leeds win and The Squeaky ringer will be getting as tight as Buster Bloodvessel’s waistband.
-- Master Scribe