Not so sorrie Sarries take to Reading
The final league game of the season, and yet another derby to become as moist as a fecking salivating old bird, after a HRT overdose. Any fecker stating that this game means feck all is having a huge pounding on the chuckle buds, cos it’s the Sarries!The play-offs have now been secured after fecking them Pesty feckers in their own back yard, however, a home semi could go the way of the Exiles if other results land their way.
With the Leicester Cheater-feckers entertaining the Brizzle lads at Welfare Road, the chances are as slim as a roll-up ciggie constructed by some knacker. This may well be a blessing in disguise, as the Irish have not produced the devastating form shown on the road at the Madstad.
Saracens will come into this fecker with pure pride their only aim, having been deprived of a last gasp HC claim with Saints winning last weekend. Still, a win will secure seventh in the AG premiership, a position every fecking Fez head would surely have taken if offered at the arse end of February!
Having just lost at Vic Road to Brizzle, the Sorries seemed to be staring into a hole so big and deep that even a fat fecker could have fallen through! Diamond Geezer - get serious; talk about a man who makes you delirious; well that fecker was offski leaving Mike Ford to power a failing unit.
Ah, but the cavalry was summoned to the Watford gap, to sort the Northern feckers out, in the form of Eddie Jones. The Aussie/Japanese master provided a Mister Miyagi inspiration by taking the lads through car washing techniques, before delivering a bigger surprise than winning your sister at a swingers night.
Sale at home had to be more of a certainty than Reading bird, Kate Winslet, getting her fun bags out in a four-hour chick flick! Not a fecking chance, as Glenda Jackson demolished the (Real) Champions to ease their ‘R’ word ring-twitching.
Wuss then came to Vicarage Road and got a mullering to steady the ship, with a try bonus gained as the added feck factor. This was the tonic that the side required prior to a battle in Leeds the following week. A miserable night in Yorkshire for the home lads ensured that the Saracens would be rubbing shoulders with the big fellas again next season.
Another week at the Vic and another fecking win, this time against the (Other) Champions, meaning four straight wins on the bounce for the Jones/Ford combo. The last time this fine side had achieved this remarkable feat, the ever up for it Maggie Thatcher, was in primary school!
The message boards that had a Sarries flavour were now the haven for all things rocking of the Kazbar, with some posts starting to target the big HC qualification. Even Steffon Armitage’s dad was in favour!
This mighty run, one that had claimed the scalps of two of the top four, came to a very close end, as the Cheaters won away by the minimum score line, 13-12. With this defeat, the end of the fecking outrageous dream of recovering so well, that trips to Toulouse or Munster could have been theirs.
Those that have followed the fortunes of this club should have fecking realised that something had to happen on the paddock at some stage. Saracens have had some of the finest players in World rugby donning their colours, a large slice of them World Cup winners. The current squad just needed belief and guidance, and a certain Mister Miyagi provided both, the fine man he is.
Now that the Fez heads have squared away their status, much will be demanded for next season. Alan Gaffrey, the former Munster leader, has been sworn in for the next term and Andy Farrell will be gagging for a game. The former league God has had a fecking nightmare with injury, his back getting a fecking from a driving accident after just about recovering from a dodgy toe.
More new signings will happen, although surely not all the feckers that always find themselves linked to the club due to the wealth of the owner, Nigel Wrey. Taine Randell and Richard Hill, two fecking huge legends of the game will be missing, but their places will be filled. A squad will be pieced together and renewed optimism from their faithful will be friggin’ building over pre-season.
The season may have offered a lot more if the side could have turned some close defeats into fecking wins, a certain Christmas game against Irish being one of them. Seven losing bonus points shows the volume of games that may have swung like a big swingy thing, the way of the Watford side. Their haul of forty tries, and with it five bonus points, is top five form but for the twelve defeats.
The fat fellas will be at it against an Irish front row struggling to get prop bums on bench, let alone on to the fecking field of play. Propped by England capped Kevin Yates and former springbok, Cobus Visagie, the Sorries will be spewing bricks to get into contact. With the mullet, Shane Byrne, starting to settle into the patterns and calls, a fierce fecking tussle will be the delivery for these brutes of the game. Robbie Russell will want this fecker as a start, and make no bones about that!
Simon Raiwalui, the OAP Fijian, will be relishing squaring up to the likes of Casey and Kennedy, the two fecking upstarts! Raiwalui may find his mug shots more commonly found on ‘Wanted’ posters, but his pretty young boy partner, Tom Ryder, is really enjoying pitch time. The former Tiger is becoming a real handful in and around the paddock.
In the back row, another really feisty affair more suited to Cain and Abel will be sworn out. Danaher, Magne and Leguizamon have been forming a formidable unit of late, but must now compete against a fecking hideous trio. Taine Randell, if fit, is an absolute fecking creature to keep an eye on, using his wisdom to dominate. Ben Russell is another developing player who loves the contact, while Hugh Vyvyan will be there or thereabouts. Vyvyan, the ginger minger at the rear of these feckers, could definitely start a fight in solitary confinement, a place where maybe he should be!
Kyran Bracken at 9 will be playing his final game for his beloved Sarries come Saturday, so may be pure shite due to crying like a fecking onion peeler in an Italian. This man has been a superb player over the years, and still possesses one feck of a pass. Best of luck to him.
Inside the legend will stand Glen Jackson, the uncapped Kiwi, who is partial to the odd try if given a sniff. His kicking can be as erratic as Chris Eubank’s dress sense, but is still more lethal with the boot than Flutey. This will be an interesting Moari conflict, one that the Irish 10 will fancy. Still, Glenda needs watching.
Ben Johnston and Kevin Sorrell have formed the centres of late and will offer real pace and attacking options for the visitors. Catt may get a rest for this one, so this area will be key if quick ball is won.
The back three are another attacking threat given ball. Tevita Vaikona is one feck of a beast and loves to ride any tackle, but not in a homo way. His creativity from the offload can break any defence. Richard Haughton and Dan Scarbrough will be fighting for the remaining winger slot, with the former having pace to burn in space.
The mercurial Thomas Castaignede will complete the line-up, and what a dangerous fecker to wear the 15. On his day, he can be the most charismatic of players whose rugby can be sexier than Pandora displaying her box.
After the truly outrageous game at the Causeway last Sunday where the Irish back three all appeared on the score-sheet, this game may well provide more scoring opportunities than the streets of Amsterdam. Both sides will want to claim the victory, and both will be gunning for this summary.
This may well be another epic, if the LI fans are able to face another one!!!!!
-- Master Scribe