Can His Eminence Arrange to Earn Rugby Specialdom?
Freakin’ pinch me lads, because I must be fecking dreaming! From staring at the trap door last season to this fecker; a semi-final and eighty minutes away from the Championship final!Okay, so the real deal is that Sale Sharks are the best team in the AG Premiership and should be rewarded, but come on now lads. If it’s good enough for the friggin’ Pesty feckers, then feed me the sweet honey nectar of Champions!
Right, so the semi is away, a fecking great situation for the Irish lads. The exiles are friggin’ unbeaten away from the Madstad since Friday 25th November 2005, an outrageous six games in the league. Even the Pests got a right royal fecking at the Causeway, and we seem to be more like an adulterous fecker, with far better joy away from home.
Now, why should London Irish worry then?
Well, the Leicester Tiger feckers are the friggin’ home side. If only LI had thrown the Sorries game, then a trip to Stockport may have sounded a bit more achievable, after our showing against them at the Paddy’s day game.
The Tigers are one of the biggest names in and around Northampton and have acquired more shiny things than a Magpie on speed. They are the REAL league Champs; cup successes and three fecking Heineken Cup wins have been the delivery to Welfare Road over the past decade or so. Irish are in with the big lads now, make no fecking bones about it.
Leicester will be going into this massive encounter with their tails up and a real fecking confidence that their season is very much back on track. The last away defeat for Sunday’s visitors was ironically against this Midlands outfit. It wasn’t even fecking close either, with a score of 35-3 and a try bonus for the stripy feckers.
Also, the home form by this side is as awesome as a friggin’ huge brown bag full of awesome stuff, with ‘AWESOME’ printed on its side. Two draws are the only scars on the Fortress walls this league season, the last one being against the champs, Sale Sharks. The other was a real fecker as it was against Lord Squeaky-fecker of Whingedom’s Falcons, even after Andy Goode was awarded points for a kick that missed by a country mile!
Nine wins has been a real return for season ticket holders, with the Tigers averaging twenty-nine fecking points a game. With the visitors, one and all, weighing in with an average return of seventeen points, and a fond wave ‘Feck off’ from the Crumbly Terrace, you now get the idea of the size of the task.
The defence of Leicester is as tight as an alter boys ringer when alone with the father in the rectory. The meanest in the league with a mere twenty-four tries being claimed by those who oppose the Cheetahs in the twenty-two rounds of rugby.
Add to that friggin’ defensive effort, fifty-one tries, and the size of the task has now gone True North with no variant. Only Sharks, Pests and Saints have bettered this total … well apart from the leagues top fecking try scorers …IRISH.
The Welfare Road factor has to be the edge that Leicester Tigers require to right a wrong at HQ. The throbbing masses of home fans, talking in some unrecognisable tongue, will have polished their one eye, donned the famous colours and readied themselves to add the vocal weight behind a fecking monstrous pack.
Tigers have also started to peak better than a viagra fuelled gigolo in his twenties, creating the openings to have fun in. After the shock of a quarter-final defeat in the HC to arch rivals, Bath, a game they should have wrapped up, Saints felt the force of the backlash. Although the margins of victory have been of a gnat’s foreskin in size, this does not reflect the dominance gained in these matches.
The front row will gain a real fecking boost with the return to action of Julian White. The English Lion is a chunky fecker who hates all things boggy, and will relish getting his meat into a power-reduced Irish pack. With the hideous ears of Graham Rowntree propping the other corner, George Chuter will have an easy ride. LI will need to get some weight from the fecking treatment room to compete in this hateful area.
A Fatty Barnes organised citation committee has robbed Luis Deacon of three weeks of rugby, a tad fortunate for Irish. He is one feck of a handful in the loose, tight and the friggin’ bar, but will now have to be content with a chat about “girls and stuff” with Brian Smith in the stand. Still, Tigers have more quality locks than the Avon/Kennett Canal.
Leo Cullen has enjoyed both a move across the water from Dublin, as well as forming an imposing partnership with former England man, Ben Kay. Both of these feckers will give it more of a lash than a lashy thing and compete for everything that is a sniff away. Casey and Kennedy will be asked rock hard questions around the paddock, but especially at the set piece.
The back row is going to be the fecking battleground and will determine the shape and destination of the game. Lewis Moody has to be the fastest thing on two legs from a flankers start point, with great ability with ball in hand. His only real failing has to be the fact he issues more penalty points than a speed camera on the A47.
Martin Corry has been widely criticised for England’s wonderful failings during the Six Nations, but is a real talisman on his day. With the retirement of Martin Johnson and Neil Back, Corry needed to come to the fore, which he is doing now.
Former Leinster fella, Shane Jennings, grandson of Pat, is the crowd favourite and another name to put the fear of God into the opposition. He has an honours degree in the dark arts as his major, and will pose a friggin’ huge threat all evening.
The Irish lads of ever improving Danaher, born again and inspiration Magne, as well as the fecking unbelievable signing, Leguizamon, will try and gain parity. With Murphy and Dawson available from the bench, this fecking battle will be worth the entrance fee.
The two scrumhalves will form their mini adventure against each other with Harry Ellis looking to establish himself as England’s number over the pretender, Hodgson. Ellis is a fecking nightmare behind a pack going forward, with pace to burn given a tightest gap to squeeze through. Both punch above their body weights when confronted with the fat feckers, and similar in their desire and organisation (another key area that needs to be won).
Andy Goode at 10 has the biggest boot in World rugby, claiming a Guinness Premiership record when claiming three points from a penalty under his own posts with the fecking wind against him. He was the guilty fecker for not releasing the four men and their families who had formed the overlap against Bath in the HC, but he put that fecker to bed at Saints. The Wig-ster, Austin Healy, is the mercurial all rounder who may well make a huge impact from the bench.
Flutey needs to continue the rich vein of attacking form that has seen him become more popular than green with the Irish fans this season. He may have more chance of kicking his own nads come penalty time, but by feck he can get the tries.
Daryl Gibson, the former All Black, has been a real fecking disaster for LI through the years. Gaining the form after a lengthy lay-off, this fecker will be in direct eye-contact with the Catt and both will love the challenge. Ollie Smith/Tiesi (Feaunati) will also provide intrigue in the outside centre berth, with both having pace and an eye for the ladies on the other side of the try line.
Finally, the back three. The Tigers have one feck of a mixture at the back. Alex Tuilagi is a freakin’ brute of a creature, both in defence and going forward. Tom Varndell is a pure point’s machine, bagging five-pointers regularly. These two are more than backed up in the class acts with Geordan Murphy at full back. The magical Irishman can spot a gap at 150 yards, and is in possession of a fine rugby brain. Armitage, Ojo, and Tagicakibau have been gaining some unbelievable press of late, but the opposite three are going to pose fierce competition from the onset.
London Irish, God bless them, have got to go there with no fear, if that is at all fecking possible. Brian Smith will need to pump the troops to a frenzy, but not in a homo way. There is absolutely feck all to lose in this tie for the visitors, as the goals set have been met; open rugby needed to try and open a mean defence and class team. Quick ball and quality turnover will unleash the hounds of the threes, and leave the home lads fecked.
A mere four years ago, nearly to the day, the same build up was levied at the then Tigers outfit. International players filled the fifteen that faced the meek Irish who were staring at a drop in league status. 19 – 20 was the historical victory margin for the exiles, a season double over Leicester and ultimate safety. Okay, so this was the last win against them, but, UK Gold has its repeats and so can Irish!
-- Master Scribe