Glaws Stoop on Irish
It may be deemed to be the fecking shoite-comers cup, in comparison to the bigger fecker of a brother in the form of the HC, but it is silver and shiny and needs a fecking home.The ERC, guided by Sky, have deemed this to be a high risk game for violence between the warring factions of Gloucester Rugby and London Irish, making it a 12:15 game to minimise the alcohol impact on the fecking awful fans. Either that or they do not give a feck about the final or the fine supporters that wish to attend.
Ah, the fine venue of the Stoop, as far away from the City of Gloucester than can be found for a Sunday mid-fecking-day kick off, given that the British transport system is as consistent as the discharge from colonic irrigation.
The feckers don’t even stop there, oh no. The game is due a conclusion by two, and then the presentation to the winners will take place in Doncaster at 7pm to maximise the exposure of this fine tournament to the viewing masses, including Northerners!
Apologies for the Lord Squeak-fecker of Whingedom outburst, but the build up to this final has been dominated by venue and crap time decisions, as well as the availability of tickets. Obviously this is a fecking distraction to what should be a game as entertaining as Swedish twin mud wrestling, with the entry criteria of a 36-DD cup of loving.
For both sides - and here cometh a statement steeped in things bleedin’ obvious - this is their fecking last shot at silverware. Both clubs have now achieved the season’s goal of HC qualification, so to get any hands on a winners gong would be welcomed as a right bit of bonus decoration.
The Gloucester lads have been building to this final climax, after some lengthy slices of European Challenge Cup foreplay. The orgasmic stimuli has been gently tweaked, once the fecking was actually found, on the shores of Romania and France with moister evaporation borne from forty-seven fecking tries in the pool stages. Bayonne, Bucuresti and the hapless newly promoted Toulon, bent over and took a real shafting, the likes of which have not been seen since Debbie moved from Dallas and took up residence in Hucclecote.
It was all give, even from those selfish lover feckers from the Forest, as taking was restricted to six. This all added up to dropping only one point with five try bonuses collected, and a home route to the final assured.
The Quarter final with Brive only continued the selfless application of sexual pleasure with a rock solid 46-13 win claimed, leaving the mouth watering prospect of an incestuous drilling of near neighbours, Worcester.
This semi encounter did not fail to reach the turgid heights of excitement as Gloucester came from behind, but not in a homo way, to claim a fine victory by a score of 31-23. The love affair with the sponsor-less Challenge Cup was still burning bright in the Jockey that fecking night, as the thoughts of winning something kicked in. The Irish must now prey for a premature outburst to arrive on the doorstep of Castle Grim come departure to Twickenham.
The Cherry and Whites, if we are still allowed to refer to them as such, will take a bag full of confidence into this fecker, after fine showings in their last three league games. Comprehensive wins over Leeds and Wuss served as a starter for the main course offering of a winner-take-the-fecking-lot clash with the Pesty feckers in the final round of AG premiership games.
This game was a friggin’ belter, with more changes to the destination of the result than that offered to a Heineken Cup final ticket on e-bay. The best game of the season by far, even over the Irish fecking of the Pests the previous weeks, as all scores were from play not mistakes. Eventually Joe Worsley claimed the spoils of war with a well taken try between the posts. The Shed, even in defeat, acknowledge the players for a fine advert for the premiership, and left gutted by the exit from the championship race.
Gloucester had demonstrated that the youngsters were here to give the attacking side of rugby a real fecking lash, and displayed a maturity normally only reserved for the City cheddar. If these fellas had been allowed to leave their playgrounds earlier in the season, and had their parents sign the correct release forms to head mistress, then Glaws final standings may have been different.
With the lowest points against, and a mere thirty-three fecking tries conceded (Cheaters only bettering this figure), a few more positive points gained would have propelled them up the league table quicker than a teenagers’ libido. They gained nine losing bonus points, which, if five of these had been converted into wins, would have left them top of the standings.
On the attacking front, on forty-six occasions, the opposition held their heads in their hands as Glaws crossed their whitewash to bag five-pointers. This is an excellent return for some fine endeavour shown gaining four try bonuses during the course of the season. This endeavour seems to be gaining backing from a public brought up on the pill firmly positioned up the jumper of the biggest of fecking packs. The girls of yesteryear trotted off at Kingsholm with white shorts that would do the Percil adverts the power of good.
The transformation in tactics is on a par with London Irish, and thank the feck for this. Without the two team changes, Sunday’s game would become a war of attrition, as a squeal to the Battle of the Bulge would be played out.
Gloucester will have to go into this final without the raw talent of Ollie Morgan, as he has undergone surgery on a broken jaw. Jon Goodridge may earn a recall to cover the luckless youngster, although Ludo wearing 15 has been tried and provided a deliverance, without any duelling banjo in sight. This may well blunt the back three unit, with the pace and adventure missing from a third of it.
Sinbad and Mark Foster should line-up as the two wingers, and by feck they will make hay if given space to frolic in. Few fans will ever forget the way James Simpson-Daniel exposed Dayglow as having the turning circle of the Britannia, as he turned the fecker so badly his head seemed to disappear up his own arse. This was in preparation to releasing James Bailey for a try that started in the toilets of Teague’s.
The Irish speedsters will need to be on their game to prevent any replication of this awesome try, but Glaws should also worry. Sinbad and Armitage are separated by one try as the Top Guns for this competition, although Mavericks may well apply to both.
In the centres, the West Country boys have a mixture of experience and youth to ask questions of any defence. These questions may be multiple choice, but the Anthony Allan fecker seems to pressure the opposition tacklers into choosing the wrong option. He is the younger grandson of the Irishman Dave Allan, who would be so proud at this kids exploits if he were alive today. World Cup winner, Mike Tindall, provides a completely opposite approach to the game plan, loving contact more that a two-bit whore.
Their halfback pairing looks as unlikely as J. K. Rowling and Dean Ryan. Peter Richards at 9 is hitting a rich vein of form that has seen him called upon for the English tour to Australia. He is a feisty little fecker who is always looking for work. His battle with Hodgson will be a fecking beauty in little man wars.
Inside Richards will stand a man, nay boy, who will be a gnat’s foreskin into being twenty, having made the number 3 days previous. Ryan Lamb would silence even Hannibal Lecter on a spleen munching session with his apparent ability. Flutey will have a bit of a handful to confront, and watch that fecking dummy that nearly broke Worsley’s neck!
The Gloucester pack, and a fecking huge unit it is, will aim to provide a base to launch the girls forward. Peter Buxton and Andy Hazell are flankers who will compete for everything, including the soap-on-a-rope in the Exile’s showers post mullering. These two feckers allow James Forrester to show his speed and skills, both of which have actually been placed in the centres! This will again be a key area and define the game, with the Irish back row more than capable of mixing it with all-comers.
Jonathan Pendlebury, the twenty-three year old lock forward signed from Rotherham, is forming a partnership with Alex Brown that may start rumours in the Civil Ceremonies department of Gloucester County Council. The two seem to compliment each other more than two honeymooners in Paris.
Brown has shown the form to join his team-mate, Richards, on the plane down under and will be chomping on the bit more than a big brown bag full of bit chompers, to lay to rest that Kennedy of Irish should be taking on the Aussies. Casey could be the deciding factor as a finer collection of locks hasn’t even been seen on the Kennet/Avon.
The fat lads will again be the feckers who will pound away and will ultimately dictate the result of this clash. Irish were exposed in this department at Welfare Road in the play-offs, with Rautenbach, Collins and Coetzee all missing from the battle. Patrice Collazo, Mefin Davies and Jack Forster proved a more than useful unit against the Pests and may well be too much for the Irish front row. Olivier Azam and Terry Sigley will be two feckers to add to their woes given the bench limitations.
This has all the makings of a cracker, as two sides lift themselves for one final hurrah before gaining feet up time. Gloucester may well have an edge after a weekend that saw Irish getting both a fecking as well as inflicting bodily damage to key personnel.
Brian Smith and Dean Ryan will go head to head to claim the final honour of the European domestic season, and both sides will display their leaders fighting spirit. Real tough to predict, but the travelling Shed will crave revenge after being doubled by the Irish during the league campaign. They may well be fresher and possess a few more weapons to grab the Trophy. It is all to play for.
-- Master Scribe