Exiles Hope to Clip the Falcons Wings
Well lads, it’s the fecking Challenge Cup Semi final with a possible HC qualification at stake and the Falcons are the feckers who want to stop it all. Any chance of a friggin’ shiny thing must be taken as seriously as finding a third testis while exploring in the shower; as Doctor Patal once tipped on Trisha.A mere eighty minutes of rugby away from facing either Wuss or Glaws at an unknown venue, at an unknown time, making the trip into the unknown an unknown mixture of unknowns, and fair play to the concept.
The Falcons, flying higher than an eagle at the moment, must wonder who the feck is the wind beneath their wings as they will go into battle as slight favourites. The home factor of Kingston Park has to be the banker when attempting to divide these two teams; both wishing to give this more of a lash than a hobby that involves lashing.
Both sides are unbeaten in the competition, with Newcastle having the better of the group stages, hence the reason for the homer semi they now host. They also destroyed the hopes of most Exiles fans by dispatching Connacht, 23-3, from the cup and denied the opportunity of a visit to the fine city of Galway.
Still, London Irish now face the visit to the fine city of Newcastle and a splendid venue for rugby union in an attempt to reach a first European final. The closest they came was back in 2002, a week after the PowerGen Cup Final win over the Saints, with defeat in the semi, 27-33, against eventual winners Pontypridd. That three-sided shoite pit called the Kassam was the venue that day, so best head to Scotland for a real chance of at least some atmosphere!
The Falcons will be full of confidence and probably more relief than when Doctor Patal points out the third testis is actually genuine! The Geordie fellas are off the back of issuing a right royal fecking to the Sale Sharks side, minus one or two, er, shall we say international players, and will feel free to pump the pill around for fun having had the ‘R’ word anchor thrown from them. The Cheshire grin on Rob Andrew’s face could actually be seen from Headingly Carnegie after claiming a real belting five-pointer of a win.
This will definitely have a real positive affect on his chargers on the training paddock this week, as he will feel the main obstacle of the past month has now been negated. The relief can help tired fans and players reach new levels of cheer, as the after glow of an orgasmic triumph settles in to each and every pore. Radox on speed will now invigorate the squad, management and staff, as Irish eyes come within their peripheral vision during the weekend.
This tournament has been a huge journey to the try line for the Northerners; a trait not replicated enough during their AG premiership campaign. With twenty-nine league tries, of which one game converted in to a try bonus, only Brizzle have been as miserly to their supporters as a Sweaty with a savings plan.
In Europe, though, the Kooga All-Blacks have given it a fecking frenzy filled try-fest. Forty-four friggin’ five pointers in six matches is one hell of a return; four games gifting try bonuses! If they get anywhere near their cup average of seven tries, then the Irish will be more fecked than a Swedish porn star in less than fifteen minutes.
The Falcons will indeed be a force if the girls can click, like a thumb and forefinger coming together to make a noise that sounds like a click.
James Grindal will be the likely start at 9 and offers a wealth of ambition if the fat feckers can secure him ball. The young fella has a great pass off both hands, but also has the ability to sniff a gap at the breakdown. Hall Charlton, the son of Jackie, is an excellent weapon to bring off the bench and provides a real fecking feisty edge.
At 10, well, there may be a scrap here. Toby Flood is starting to show he can handle the responsibility of the senior side with some steady performances under his belt. His inclusion would not weaken the side one bit, but a certain Jonny may wish to announce himself as the starter.
Wilkinson had forty minutes of his 112th return from injury this season against Sale last weekend and would relish the chance to get into the fecking Irish. He was quoted as saying that his intention is to reduce his training to a sixty hour week in an attempt for longevity of his career. If 90% fit, he will pose some rock hard questions which will strain the Exiles until a bit of pee comes out to answer.
Mathew Tait in the centre is proving to be a fecking revelation with his speed and movement with ball in hand. His only worldly contribution to rugby had been to make the Orange fecker, Henson, famous when he played his first test for England at the age of twelve, but he has grown since then. Now a strapping fourteen year old, he has been cutting up the paddocks on the World Sevens circuit, as well as giving the Falcons much needed attacking flair.
Jamie Noon would be more likely to bench to allow a natural 12 to sit inside the boy wonder. Mark Mayerhofler is a rough tough former All-Black fecker, with the ability to control a match merely with his tongue; he can be that good.
On the wings, the Newcastle side will be able to mix beauty and the beast in the former of Anthony Elliot and Tom May.
Elliot, who first came to fame as a Northern lad with a love for ballet, is getting stronger and bendier with every game. He has bagged one fifth of the Falcons league tries this season, and needs to be watched.
On the other wing lies a big fecking bruiser of a winger in May. Defensively, he likes the big tackles, but not in a homo way and can also provide a superb robust outlet in attack.
The final piece of the girls make-up is Matt Burke, the fecking world class Aussie. He seems to be getting younger with every match, setting the tone and leading the Falcons forward if given a gnat’s foreskin of space to run into. Also with six tries to his name, he can kick like a mule when required. A real class act that needs a good fecking from the off-ski, if hands can be placed on him.
To get these feckers running, the Newcastle pack will need to step up to the task and secure the fecking pill. The ugly feckers in the front row of Ward, Long and Morris look more comfortable when posing for Americas Most Wanted posters than when facing up to sterner, meaner feckers from the opposition. These three will be wanting to give a power-of-three fecking to the Irish fat lads come scrum time, and will need to be up to that mullering.
In the second row, Luke Gross and Sonic the Hedgehog, Geoff Parling, are as unlikely a partnership as Jimmy Nail and Halle Berry, however both came out trumps last Sunday. Parling grabbed a try en-route to the famous win, a win that was seen as likely as Elvis playing flanker for the US Eagles. Andy Perry may well get a recall if fit.
In the back row, Colin Charvis will be the leader of the feck all variety. The former Lion has been getting stuck in for Falcons, and will win darkest art ball. Colin played at 8 last week, but can fight the battle from 6 or 7 given the chance. London Irish-man Mike McCarthy, and Bomber Harris will be wanting to retain a starting berth after the Sale win, but former Wallaby Owen Finegan will want a chance to get back to yesteryear form.
London Irish too have the girls to frighten the campest homosexual when squealing forward, with Hodgson, Flutey and Catt forming a very creative middle, and Armitage, Ojo and Tagicakibau forming a fecking fast back three. At outside centre, the visitors are starting to struggle with availability being as rare as rocking horse shoite.
The pack will again be in the faces of the Falcons, with welcome additions from injury throughout the spine. The front row will be hard to shake off, the second row will try and dominate even without Kennedy. A back row containing three from Murphy, inspirational signing Leguizamon, Magne, Dawson and Danaher will pose a fecking threat to all comers.
This will be one hell of a battle on all fronts. The team that controls the possession and takes their chances will win this one.
Now … Irish Squeaky time:
Brian Smith has hedged his bets in preparation for the tie this Sunday by cataloguing his excuses now. Inspired by the hugely influential leader, Lord Squeaky of Gobshoite from the county of Squeakshire, Brian believes that pre-emptive actions are required in an attempt to dry the well of the worlds leading whinge-feck.
In a statement allegedly released on Monday, Brian has stated the following:
It has to be stated that 12:30 on a Sunday up there in Scotland is just the best fecking way to look after the other half of the semi-final, but ah, Leeds Tykes in the Powergen pre-final last year proves how shoite the authorities are in the organisation tasking, especially against the Irish.
The ref is also that Welsh fecker Nigel Owens, best bud of Andrew who both play golf together on a Thursday while chewing the cud over how fecking excellent life is when you have been Director of Rugby at a club for twenty-seven years.
The weather forecast for the game is pure shoite and arrangements have already been made to ensure that the bus lane for the exiles transportation has been pebble dashed with kebab debrief juices and the occasional obstruction.
The ball for Sunday has also been decreed to be a size three with the minimal puff of an old feckers breath within, but attacking rugby should never be sought after, as relegation from the Challenge Cup is at stake. Relegation from such a tournament only restricts the ambitions of those sides likely to be effected.
-- Master Scribe